Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 2 pages of horror: My Old Sofa

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Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :

Due to popular request, here's the story, in its newly revised form featuring Fewer Commas.

http://www.wadhome.org/my_old_sofa.html

I welcome any and all feedback.

I also realize that since it is online, publishing it is no longer an option. I'm cool with that.

Enjoy.

\/\/ /-\ [)

PS. The intent is that the horror is in the story, not the presentation.

Posted by squimi (Member # 2810) on :

I read that earlier, following the link in your other post, and really enjoyed it.
I'm with the other poster that says they'd like more detail, though. Maybe a bit more menace building towards the climax?
This isn't a criticism - it's cos I liked the story that I wanted more of it!
squimi
x

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

Putting your story on your web site like that constitutes publishing it, and uses up the most salable rights. It's a lot harder to sell "used" fiction.

Not a good idea if you're planning to pursue publishing elsewhere.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

The magical time traveling wormhole in the sofa, huh? I don't know that it really rises to the level of horror, though. It also sort of loses a lot of impact, the way you cheat on the "big reveal".

The presentation seems fine, but the story is inherently a little too tame. Also, your narrator doesn't get to the point very quickly, so the first part is a little boring.

Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :

Thanks for the comments.

I wanted to make the "big reveal" be the last line of the story, because after that, seems to be no point in continuing. I couldn't think of a way to get away with this, and still complete the story, than "cheating".

Hmm, you're right about the first part. Boring. I was hoping that the initial "you won't believe me, but it's true" (Burrough's trick?) would suffice to keep the readers attention. Maybe needs some action to start with. Or perhaps a prequel paragraph, maybe a newspaper clip from the 50s, citing a bizzare event associated in a forest, that was later harvested for lumber, and used to make furnitutre.... hmmm...

\/\/ /-\ [)

Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

Maybe a new opening would be a good idea. You should still rewrite it with more detail. Make it longer, make it more suspensful.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

The critical thing is that this sofa is a portal through which an object can travel back in time by an unknown amount. If I were the guy, the last thing in the world I would do with such a find would be selling it. Not just for any utility the thing might have, but because I'd want to make sure that the hand I felt grabbing mine was actually my own hand (or that of my wife).

I think that what you should do is start with the hand-grab. That's the only thing that is interesting enough to really open a story. Then describe the history of this couch, because the couch is interesting after that. Then consider where things can go from there. Don't sell the couch, work out a way for him to try and use it. Think of this, he can mail himself finacial pages from the future or something like that. Perhaps along with some seed money to invest

And then one day, something really horrible can happen. Use your imagination

Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :

Woah, that's a cool idea, Survivor.

Hey, I know! Heh heh... okay, here's an idea:

There is another story. It starts with something interesting, and horrible. There is some action, conflict and mystery immediately. Brief, in-passing mention is made of a sofa.

In a desperate attempt to figure out what is going wrong with the world, the protagonist does a search of the internet using key words including "sofa", and finds... presto! This little story. And the picture becomes clearer!

Then more stuff happens, including scary stuff, cool stuff, and stuff that opens the reader's mind to all sorts of nifty possibilities, such as sending newspapers through time via the sofa.

Hmm, must avoid semlence to plot of the movie "Frequency".

The story is made much more credible, because the story actually exists on the internet! And users can actually do the search, using whatever key words are there, and find the little story. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

I just checked, and if you type these key words into google.com, you get the story as the 4th hit:
green sofa cold spot

That could work into the story.

\/\/ /-\ [)

Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

Go for it!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Well, that would work if it weren't your own story, which you had posted. But since it is...it seems a bit gimmicky.

And expecting a page to keep its Google ranking from one minute to the next is like building a house on quicksand.