This is a 2000-word fantasy story tentatively titled "The Treasure of Avan." I would welcome comments on either these opening lines or the whole thing.
Thanks!
The bodies on the Ramshead battlefield were still warm when Old Alice came. Healers made the holy sign as she passed. Even the scavengers looting the dead scurried out of Alice’s way, not willing to risk her attention no matter what the reward. “You’ll find plenty to satisfy you later, you vultures,” Alice cackled. “I’m not here for rings and trinkets.”
She picked her way through the bodies, peering into the stunned and disbelieving faces of the dead. The defending Lymen and invading Uskars lay side by side now, their limbs intertwined like lovers. “Both equally worthless to me, poor sods,” Alice muttered.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
I'll chk it out for you. So far it looks good. I'm hooked.
The only thing I'll say is that "Alice" kind of threw me. I just pictured a blond girl in a milkmaid's dress following a white rabbit.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I sort of like it. I'll venture to nit-pick one thing, "limbs intertwined like lovers" refers to two bodies, not to an entire battlefield full of bodies. In that context it gave me the image of the bodies sort of being woven together into a single fabric, like army ants making a structure. Say "often clasped in a desperate last embrace, one with the other" or something like that.
I'll read the rest if you like.
Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :
Personally, I quite liked "limbs intertwined like lovers" but that could just be me.
I think it's really good. The only issue I have is the overuse of the word Alice. The pronoun 'her' could probably be slotted in in a couple of places.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
I may take a couple days, but you can send it to me.
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
I don't have time for a full crit right now, but I like what I see so far. I agree with Survivor about the "lovers" bit -- it gave me the image of two soldiers lying together, rather than two groups of soldiers. I think part of what you are doing is juxtaposing the battlefield conflict with the equality of death -- that there is no separation of one side from the other when it is all over.
Perhaps something like this work:
"...their limbs intertwined in an orgy of death..."
Not sure if that works for you or not.
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
I'm willing to read it. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Mostly I like it. I would like to know if the scavengers are human or animal.
But mostly I want to know, right now, what Alice is looking for. She knows, so I want to know too.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
Oops! Rereading it, I see that I didn't specify that they were human scavengers. Should I say "Even the human scavengers" etc, or is there a more subtle way to convey that?
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
How about "Even the people looting the dead..." or "Even those looting..."
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Non-human scavengers don't "loot" the dead, they eat the dead. Using "looting" is fine, it is a fairly specific activity.
On the "limbs entwined like lovers" bit, I'm thinking that it's a battle fought with melee weapons, which means that frequently (though by no means universally) two people both died while grappling with each other. That happens. And in death it would look like an embrace. But I just felt there was a mismatch between "lovers"--of which there should only be two for the image to work--and "defending Lymen and invading Uskars" which implies at least four
Also, I think the "limbs entwined" thing is a bit lazy and cliche. There are certain (soft) fighting techniques that could be thus described, but....
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
Regarding the "scavengers looting", I had no confusion with the way you have it. Probably for the exact reason Survivor stated: scavenger animals don't loot the dead.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
Yeah, same comments. I didn't have a problem with the scavengers either, for the same reason. I'll read if you're not in a hurry for a crit (still no Internet at home, and I'm typing this from my school campus, which is open only on school hours. And during most of these hours I happen to have courses ).
Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :
This is an enjoyable opening. I can almost see Old Alice hunting among the dead. Maybe ramp up the atmosphere, though--smells? sounds?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Nah, it would make the old girl seem more sqeamish than she is.
Posted by rcorporon (Member # 2879) on :
I like it! I also like the "entwined lovers" bit. I've never read anything that uses a description quite like it.
However, the name Alice through me. I think that Carrol has a lock-down on that name, and most people automatically think of a blonde girl chasing a rabbit (as was mentioned).
