Hi, I need critiques on a 530-word scene. I have to revise it no later than Thursday.
Here's the snippet. You don't really need to know what happened in the previous scene (power went out; that's all that's relevant).
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It was going to be a good day, Simon thought. Get done showing the house, go over to Jerome's, and party with some of that fine Brazilian powder. Of course, getting done was a barrier. He really wanted it to sell. Not because he was that impatient to get a new one, near Valerie's Parents from Hell, but because he was sick of showing it. Yes, that's a real fireplace. Does it look like it's made of plastic? Should I prove it by lighting a fire---under your ass, so you can make a freakin' decision already?
What he actually said was, "Yeah, it's a real fireplace."
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Thanks! If you're on Liberty Hall and can see my PSC Will Briggs forum, it's there too.
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
Is that the whole scene?
If so, I think it's perfect.
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
Oh, okay, duh, of course it's not the whole scene. Sorry.
That part was perfect though.
On my way to PSC.
Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :
I like the voice you've utilized here - send over the whole scene!
Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :
I liked everything except maybe the last line. It's funny, but its a repeat of a line from earlier in the dialogue. Maybe if he said something else, or just nodded in mute submission, but keep the thought.
But everything else is great, pacing, voice, etc.
I'd read it.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I probably have enough critiquers for now. Thanks!