Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Santos

This is topic Santos in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

This is a science fiction story, approximately 6500 words. Looking for readers and any feedback.

Santos

I never understood why the people of Terra Roma rose up against the Qurin. My friend, Jose, said it was because humans are violent and greedy by nature. Whatever the reason for it, the rebellion changed my life, and even though I fought against his people, I owed my own survival to Jose and Saint Xi-Crupp.

I met Jose on my first trip to my father's office. Jose wasn't his real name, and Qurin were asexual, so he wasn't really a he either. Jose didn't care about our differences, though. The Qurin believe in predestination--Jose later told me that he knew we would be friends from the first moment he saw me. It took me a little longer.

Thanks

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Interesting, though I hope the Qurin belief system turns out to be a little more coherently alien as the story progresses. The narrator's own interpretation is always one of the great pitfalls of first person, though.

Part of me wants to switch the two paragraphs, even though I can see that the order you have them in is appropriate for the purposes of telling the story. Maybe you should just try cutting the second sentance and putting it somewhere else, so that Jose doesn't appear until you officially introduce him. I know that introduces a minor unreferenced pronoun problem in the last line of the first paragraph, but it makes it flow better overall. And you could replace "his people" with something else.

Anyway, I'd like to take a look at the rest.

Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :

You have me hooked. I had to read the opening a couple of times because I read it too fast. There is a lot of information there to take in all at once.

I'll take a look if you want to send it over.

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

Generally this is really nice. The language just makes it feel like someone is sitting you down and telling you a story. And they're a good storyteller too. Which means you are.

Which is good.

The language is simple but conveys a lot of character so I really liked that. I did have a couple of crits though. As soon as I read "the rebellion changed my life" I inwardly groaned a little. It seemed like an oversell to me, and a little cliched. But that could just be me.

The only other thing was that the tautology in "so he wasn't really a he either" threw me a little too. Maybe something as simple as italicising the second he might fix that though.

Just thoughts. I'd be interested in reading the whole thing though.

Posted by jinkx (Member # 2798) on :

quote:
It took me a little longer.

This sentence seems to just be hanging there. It took you a little longer to...what? Add something to the end so that it doesn't look so incomplete.
"It took me a little longer to be convinced," for example.

I hate to be the one to break the mold, but I didn't like it as much as everyone else seems to. Maybe part of the reason is because first person has never sat well with me -- third person just seems more natural. Also, I'm simply not hooked. By the time the second sentence rolled around I was yawning. (I agree with thexmedic, "the rebellion changed my life" does sound a little cliched. Like your trying to make the reader interested in the story without giving any reason why he should be.)

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

Thanks for offering to read. It is on the way.

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

I'll read the whole thing, too, if you don't mind if it takes me a few days to get it back to you.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

It's a good hook. I agree you could lose the "it changed my life" (a bit too clichéd) but otherwise it's good.
I'm up to my neck catching up on my late crits (those concerned will know what I mean--sheepish grin), so I can't offer to read right now.
Let me know if you still need a reader around Tuesday or later.