Thanks,
Shane
Area 51: A New Illumination
Snake heard the whistle just before the explosion. “Blessed Almighty,” he muttered.
The others pointed at the cloud of sand and dust that rose from the desert floor. “What was it?” a young woman asked.
“Sorry, Carrie, I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.”
He gazed at the fence, then picked up his graphite pole. “Toss this over to me once I clear the fence,” he said. “I’ll need it to get back.”
He raced toward the fence, planted the end of the pole in a previously picked spot, cleared the barrier easily and dropped with a thud into the dusty soil beyond.
“Be careful Snake,” a white-haired woman shouted.
He waved and headed toward where the explosion had taken place.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 02, 2005).]
Edit: I just realized I didn't really say anything ABOUT the passage. The title intersted me. The passage didn't. We have no idea what is going on. Why is this Snake fellow at, presumably, Area 51? Is he an alien? Why are things blowing up? Perhaps, you could go into a little bit of the background.
[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited October 02, 2005).]
Other than that, it sounds intriguing. The opening lines are interesting enough that I would read more.
quote:
Why is this Snake fellow at, presumably, Area 51? Is he an alien? Why are things blowing up? Perhaps, you could go into a little bit of the background.
All that stuff comes after the first 13 lines. If I revealed it at the first, it would ruin the ending. For anyone who's interested, it's less than 1000 words and I can send you the story. Also, this has absolutely no reference to any game series.
[This message has been edited by Smaug (edited October 02, 2005).]
I presume that Snake, Carrie, and the white-haired woman are all members of a group of Roswell/Area-51 enthusiasts, probably at least twenty or thirty strong. They're hanging out near the perimeter fence trying to spot UFOs being test flown or anything like that, and Snake is their infiltration specialist, someone that actually crosses the fence from time to time when they think something particularly interesting is up.
Whether or not I'm getting the picture you painted, the only reason I got this picture is because I know that such groups exist, and your description matches them. But that's different from being able to figure that out if it wasn't something I already knew. I think that you could add a line or two that would point the uninitiated in the right direction, make the opening a little less obscure. Key points would be mentioning the number of people (and at least hinting at their reason for being there) and describing the location a bit better. I'd guess that there isn't a lot to describe other than a lot of desert and a big fence going through it, but saying that there was nothing else would paint quite a good picture.
Other than that, my only nit is that Snake knows Carrie's name, so there isn't any reason not to use her name the first time.
Since I'm clearly in the audience for this kind of stuff, send it over.
I hope that helps. If there are any further questions, let me know.
Shane
Also, as stated above, I thought of MGS right away. Having a character named Snake will automatically make most people think of Metal Gear SOlid.
Ronnie
Shane
The name does carry a certain connotation.
But long ago I did watch a movie called "Escape From New York" and the main character, played by Kurt Russell was named Snake.
There are a lot of snakes in the world-LOL!
quote:
I'd like to read the whole thing. Can you email it to me?
Yes indeedy. When I get on my home comp I'll send it to you.
Thanks.