Ok, this is a 1000 words. I would like some people to read the whole thing or even crit the first 13 if you want. ~~~~~~ Fluid Pressure (1000 words)
Peranius flowed along the beach, caressing the sand with his liquid surface. A flicker of movement attracted his attention. He turned to see Larius the scholar flying above him. It was strange to see Larius outside of the forest. The man was so attached to the Trees. Peranius formed himself into a human shape – a memory from his past life – showing Larius that he was willing to receive a visitor. Larius swooped down and settled on the ground in front of him.
“Is there trouble?” Peranius asked.
Larius smiled. “Just the usual arguments from the other Council members. Trek in particular is being stubborn about the Newcomers. He refuses to believe the Trees could be right about this.”
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Yanos - I remember this from the Flash Challenge (Quicksilver).
Happy to read it and provide a detailed crit if you want to mail this version.
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
I like it so far. I'd be willing to read. Send to wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
Just two comments on the first 13...
Juggle up your sentance structures.
Smiled is not an appropriate way to denote speach. (I used it frequently when I was trying damned hard to avoid saying "said" all the time. But the reality is that "said" is fine and while mixing it up with other expressions is good, forcing it always sounds forced. "Said" is one of those words that is mostly invisible in repitition unless the rhythm of the conversation keeps it focused. But people don't smile words out of their mouths, they say things while smiling.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It looks interesting. I'll try it.
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
quote:Smiled is not an appropriate way to denote speach.
He was not denoting speech.
*
I remember this as well, yanos, and quite liked it at the time. I don't think I liked the end, when the perspective flipped from these enlightened and evolved spirit-things to the settlers.
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
If he is not using smiled as a speech tag, he needs to separate it from the quotation with by including "smiled" in more than a two word sentance. Otherwise it gives the appearance of a poor, cheesy, attempt to tag speech without using "said".
[This message has been edited by pantros (edited October 05, 2005).]
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
No, I think Troy's right. There's a period after "smiled," which means there's no way it's a dialog tag.
He smiled, "Hello!" would in fact be a clumsy dialog tag.
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
I agree, the punctuation does distinguish it as not actually a tag.
Posted by Alnilam (Member # 2914) on :
Hi, I'm Alnilam and new here.
I'be interested in reading the whole thing.
Posted by ThisProteanSoul (Member # 2882) on :
What jumped out at me was these couple of sentences.
'It was strange to see Larius outside of the forest. The man was so attached to the Trees.'
This really feels to me like it should all be one sentence. You have a lot of similarly constructed sentences and it needs to be broken up a bit.
For ex: 'It was strange to see Larius outside of the forest, considering how attached he was to the Trees."
I'd be willing to read it. ThisProteanSoul@gmail.com
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Eh, each is a complete sentance. Just because you could use a conjunction doesn't mean you must.
Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :
Yanos, if you're still looking for readers then I'd be happy to critique it. I just did a 2000 word story (my shortest one by far for many years) only to find out it sucked. So I'm very interested in how people manage to write a complete story at such an incredibly short length!
Your opening intrigues me - only thing I will say, though, is that I find the names Peranius and Larius awkward; they sound like Latin descriptions for throat infections!
Posted by thedeathkillersareback (Member # 2894) on :
I agree with the previous comment about the names. They feel Latin/Greek to me. If that is the feel you're going for then by all means continue, the only issue with going this route is that the Greeks already have an established and world renown mythology. This creates several possiblities depending on the reader:
1. The reader has no previous knowledge of Greek Mythology and everything goes well.
2. The reader relates names to other words that sound Greek, but still knows little of Mythology. This may create confusion if your setting does not match the readers perception of what is Greek.
3 The reader not only relates the name to Latin/Greek, but also possesses at least cursery knowledge of Greek mythology. Then, if your names don't match up with the established mythology, the reader will believe you didn't do your homework before writing your story and they will quit reading.
I also agree with the other comments about mixing up your sentence structure. Other than those two points, the story seems intriguing. You have a good hook with the whole "newcomer" thing going on.
If you can wait until late next week to get my crit back, I'll take a look at the whole thing.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I think that the use of Greek names works in the story. It isn't really explained, but seems consistent with the background I got.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
Thanks to those who offered. I've sent and received enough crits for now; enough to realise I've done my usual and produced something that needs expanding.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I have these further comments: * Forming from a liquid: great hook. * Having a council: yawn. If they've got all these abilities, I'd like to think they have at least some very different politics. I suggest you think of some means of governance (or anarchy?) that is alien. Given the alien nature of our heroes' physical reality, it seems reasonable, and it could really pack a punch.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
The "Council" seems to be one and all with the Greek names, if it comes to that. I think that these people's government, or lack of same, is rather alien and works in as much of the story as currently exists.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I don't normally respond like this but Monsieur Briggs comment had me interested.
What form of governance would that be? How can you creat a unique form of governance that is alien to humans? I am human. Their abilities as you call it are purely physical and as they used to be human a council is very much a holdup from their past lives. By nature they are pretty anarchic except for certain similar groups which have established their own forms of governance, all of which has little to do with this story, but as I'm still building this world interests me for the future.
I've read many books and none of the "unique forms of governance" in them are truly unique or even alien. I think that it's much harder to do than say and should only be done if it becomes relevant to the story.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
My milieu has a bunch of people that just happen to agree on stuff most of the time. They don't need a formal government, even though they do have one, at least nominally.
But they never refer to their peculiar agreement by any unusual term.
Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :
It looks good. I think the names are okay, and I think the sentances work either joined or seperate, however you feel to do it.