Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Beginning of a Sci-fi story

This is topic Beginning of a Sci-fi story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Alnilam (Member # 2914) on :

Tillah lay motionless, straining to maintain her hold on the rock that sheltered her somewhat from the raging desert storm around her. She was almost buried in sand, and every breath she took was accompanied by a mouthful and noseful of scorching sand. Time seemed to stand still while the hot, raspy tongue of the intense storm licked her body, ripping her clothes into tatters. The sand abraded the exposed parts of her face and neck, and left bloody smears that dried in seconds.

Posted by ThisProteanSoul (Member # 2882) on :

Is that 13 lines? It tends to be about seven or eight for me, once it's posted. You have only four.

I could be crazy.

'Sheltered her somewhat' feels awkward to me. That may just be a personal preference, I'm not certain. 'Shetered her a little', or even just 'somewhat sheltered' feel better.

'Mouthful and noseful' is also awkward. Repetitive. 'a mouth and noseful of' or simply 'every breath she took brought scorching sand into her mouth and nose' might flow better.

I like your descriptions. Especially the hot, raspy tongue of the storm licking her. Nice in keeping with the description. The opening keeps me interested.

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

I agree excellent characterization of the storm.

I would change the word "somewhat" to anything else. It just has an uneducated, amaturish feeling. I would also move the new adverb to before the word sheltering.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

It's nine lines with "seconds" the only word on the ninth line--by my count.

"Somewhat" is a weakening word and should be avoided.

Posted by Alnilam (Member # 2914) on :

Thanks everyone; it's so easy to see it now how silly the "somewhat" looks. I'll change it, and work on the other suggestions as well.

Kathleen, I don't know how I messed up on the lines, again. Sorry, I'll get the hang of it one of these days. *_*

Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2408) on :

Overall, I like the characterization of the storm although I thought the sentence:

quote:
Time seemed to stand still while the hot, raspy tongue of the intense storm licked her body, ripping her clothes into tatters.

was a little bit oversaturated with adjectives. You have "hot," "raspy," and "intense" right next to one another, which, in my opinion, lessens its effectiveness. Also, I think saying "the intense storm" is redundant. You said in the first sentence that it was a "raging desert storm," so the reader already knows how "intense" it is and doesn't need to be told again.

Posted by Alnilam (Member # 2914) on :

Again, thanks everyone.

I'll cut out the "intense". Good thing I only have about 46,000 words written of this.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I thought the literal sense of some of what you're saying seems over the top. That aside, what are you looking for?

Posted by thedeathkillersareback (Member # 2894) on :

I like the imagery, although I find it a tad overdone.

Other than the other issues already brought to light, I found the first sentence contradictory. You can not lay "motionless" and yet "strain" to hold onto something. The act of physically straining conotes muscle movement, even if that movement is only flexing. I would think about changing the opening verbs to more acurately depict the protags action.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

In reading this I found the description that she was almost totally buried to be at odds with next portion where the wind is ripping her clother to tatters. Is she buried or not? Maybe the wind had ripped the clothes to tatters before she got buried?

Posted by Alnilam (Member # 2914) on :

Thanks for the input everyone.

Survivor, I'm looking for someone willing to read the chapter and critique the entire thing. I though we were all here for that reason.

She's not entirely motionless; human beings never are, not in coma, not when we sleep, not ever, as long as we live and breathe. Nevertheless, she's motionless, for she's holding on for dear life.

No, Tillah is not buried in sand, but the wind is blowing the sand. Her hold is precarious; it's a fierce desert storm that is blowing sand all over, moving the sand and ripping her clothes.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

nah, people are here for all kinds of reasons. A lot of people just want comments on the fragment they post. If you want people to read the whole thing, you should ask for that explicitly.

Posted by Alnilam (Member # 2914) on :

Beth, thanks for explaining that.

I'm asking if anyone would want to read the first chapter.

Posted by thedeathkillersareback (Member # 2894) on :

I'll give it a read if you want to send it my way.

Posted by jinkx (Member # 2798) on :

quote:
Nevertheless, she's motionless, for she's holding on for dear life.

That might be true logically, when you sit back and think about it for awhile. But, when being read for the first time, the image conveyed is that of someone laying back contemplating life. At least that is what I first thought when I read "Tillah lay motionless." When I got to the part where you said she is straining, I thought, "What a minute!" and had to go back to reread the sentence in order to make sense of what was said.

It might be true that someone who is straining is motionless, but it just doesn't fit in with the mental image that you want the reader to form. Saying something like "Tillah was as stiff as a plank," would probably be better.

[This message has been edited by jinkx (edited October 07, 2005).]