Looking for readers for the entire manuscript (2000 words) although, as ever, any comments are appreciated.
DISCLAIMER: for anything I got right, thank 'muse. For eveything else lay it solely at my feet!
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Josh wandered off from the rest of the kids out trick-or-treating and headed toward the woods where a many-colored, misty light was beginning to fade. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the other kids: sure, they teased him some, but that was mostly okay. It was just that, well, he didn’t need them. And if something better was to come along, like this weird pulsing light, he wouldn’t hesitate to take a look.
Ten minutes later the adult leading the group realized Josh was missing. They found him in less than an hour. But by then it was too late.
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Using the moonlight to guide his way, Josh walked to where he thought the source of the colored light, now gone, had come from.
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[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited October 10, 2005).]
How did they find him? When did they find him? I'm only new here but I am starting to ask myself these sort of questions.
"It wasn't that..." I think it's better to start with what it was. I just want to skip what it was.
Josh was so indifferent to the other kids that he wandered off... but while he did this, he kept thinking about the other kids! So I can't tell if he's really indifferent or not. If he is, just mention them in passing. If he isn't, highlight it a bit, as in, "He was indifferent to the other kids. All they ever wanted to do was tease. But he didn't care. They could just stuff their fat little faces with candy and die for all he cared."
...and he wandered off to see a mysterious light. In evening. Alone. On Hallowe'en. It makes me wonder if he's borderline autistic, having such different reactions from the rest of us. Wasn't he scared? You can make me believe it, but you'll have to show me that you know he's different, and maybe why.
You've got 2 POV shifts; heavy work on the reader. Here's my suggestion:
quote:I'm not sure about naming Mrs. Smith, because it seems to imply she's the POV character. ? Anyway, this only has 1 POV shift, and it's in paragraph 1 (which OSC says is "free"), and it's a hook!
Ten minutes INTO LEADING A GROUP OF TRICK-OR-TREATERS, MRS. SMITH realized Josh was missing. SHE found him in less than an hour. But by then it was too late.
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Using the moonlight to guide his way, Josh walked to where he thought the source of the colored light, now gone, had come from.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited October 10, 2005).]
I am always interested in stories that have children as their main character (whoa does that sound bad!). No really, I am trying to finish one myself so reading others may give me some motivation.
I would be willing to read the whole thing if you are interested.
Jaz
If you want to mail this, I'll give it a crit.
What kind of critique would you like?
If you want to have that little bit, consider putting first. i.e.:
Mrs. Smith counted the trick-or-treaters as they jumped into the van, ready to pillage the next set of house...seven...eight...nine...
That wasn't right, there were supposed to be ten.
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Josh wandered off from the rest of the kids out trick-or-treating and headed toward the woods where a many-colored, misty light was beginning to fade. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the other kids: sure, they teased him some, but that was mostly okay. It was just that, well, he didn’t need them. And if something better was to come along, like this weird pulsing light, he wouldn’t hesitate to take a look.
Using the moonlight to guide his way, Josh walked to where he thought the source of the colored light, now gone, had come from.
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The two paragraphs from Josh's POV sound like they go together. The adult POV breaks it up in an awkward way.
That said, the story itself is intriguing. If you need readers, I'm curious.