Taking bits an pieces from the advice I got from critics of this story, I have rewritten it, focusing on changing the opening scenes. This may be relegated to opening prologue of a novel, since the ending is not appropriate for a stand alone short story. But I wrote that novel already so this story had to end how it did.
Please offer constructive critism or take out your pent-up agression on my first 13. I am also looking for readers of the whole Short Story/Prologue. If you are extremely bored and like the story, I'll send the novel for pleasure reading, light critique,
Fantasy Short Story 5000 words
FRIENDSHIP IN TROUBLE By Wil Ogden
Eyes roaming across the rapidly filling taproom, Pantros habitually made note of the heavy purses on the crew of the Lady Marissa. In any other inn, he would wait an hour for their carousing to start taking its toll before lightening their belts. He didn't start trouble at the Inn of the Haughty Hedgehog though. Despite having his best friend Bryan, seven feet of muscle, sitting across the table in case things went sour; he knew that his sister would not appreciate the mess they would make getting out of trouble in her Inn. He also knew the doormen, having been trained by him, would notice anything he did and they would toss him out as quickly as they would a stranger for stealing from the patrons.
Posted by rustafarianblackpolarbear (Member # 2638) on :
i'm lovin' it. It's all good, as peek would say. And yes, i would like to read the whole thing. my email is mighty_mitch8@hotmail.com if it's not listed in my profile.
Posted by Davita (Member # 2934) on :
I'd like to read the rest of it, can you email it to me at Davita123@hotmail.com?
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 20, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 20, 2005).]
Posted by ThisProteanSoul (Member # 2882) on :
If the rest of the story got cleaned up as well, you're all set. Nice.
Posted by NMgal (Member # 2769) on :
"The Inn of the Haughty Hedgehog" - love that! I'm sitting in an airport right now and people are worried because I'm alone and laughing at a computer screen.
I'd like to read it. Send it my way.
Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :
I'd like to take a look at the new version. I also want to see if you take it a bit further than last time.
Nice.