“Come, now, Zack, you really must focus harder. When you concentrate, then the sword you hold in your hand will become a part of your body. Then you will be ready for the trials." Zack was seething. 'I know, Master. That is always your excuse. Why must you torment me like this? You know that I am ready for the trials, and yet you hold me back.' Master Jho was putting Zack through what Jho called training, but Zack called torture. The wall rolls, the push-ups and sit-ups, Zack hated it, but endured it because he needed to follow in his fathers footsteps. The tourock killed him, and Zack must kill the tourock that did it. as the sparring match continued, Zack found what he called the pattern of his enemy, and with an upercut with his fist,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 25, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by dreadlord (edited October 26, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by dreadlord (edited October 26, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by dreadlord (edited October 26, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 27, 2005).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Good adherence to POV.
Serious problems with paragraph structure. A paragraph should be essentially one idea. This one's multiple ideas (so too long) and rambles between them.
I'm not too interested in the training (since Zack isn't). His contempt for his friends is interesting, although it's a fine line against making me dislike him. So this research from Golden Age is cool. I'll admit I'd rather go with them than be with Zack.
Also, the punctuation and capitalization issues are a barrier.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Hmmm...you cast this in POV, but look at what it does to your character. He comes across as the kind of person who not only lacks concentration with the sword, but can't keep from thinking about utterly unrelated things like how stupid everyone else is even when he's supposed to be training himself.
Which makes me think that the main reason that Jho would accept him in preference to other humans isn't because Zack has any hope of becoming even a remotely competent swordsman, but because of his dogmatic purity. That may or may not be where you're going. But this kind of POV character presents serious difficulties to most readers. For one, he seems unbelievable and contradictory. For another, I don't like him.
I think that this is a backformation. That is, you wanted this exposition up front and then tried to force the character to think about it when, in point of fact, the actual character you created wouldn't be thinking about it at all. Beware of that kind of thing. It destroys the integrity of your characters.
Posted by dreadlord (Member # 2913) on :
that isnt really where i was going, but i can see how you can think that. I was trying to present my basic plot in a nutshell, so i guess i should have paid more attenttion to detail. thanks for the tips. Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Every time you change speakers (with dialogue), you get a new paragraph. The non-dialogue bits go in the paragraph whose speaker they relate to the most.
If we're to care about Zack and Jho, keep us there longer. A sudden shift to someone unrelated is OK, provided the scene with Zack and Jho is done . . . and I don't think enough happened for us to be done with it.
What's the cool thing about this story? Start there, maybe.
Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :
Even though it's been edited by the moderator, this fragment is well over 13 lines. Is it possible you went back and reinstated lines that the moderator had removed?
Please clarify.
Posted by dreadlord (Member # 2913) on :
Im just throwing random oppenings at you, because I have several oppenings, and I am trying to figure out which is the best. Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Please keep them to 13 manuscript (12-point courier) lines.
