by John A. Manley
“Give him your sword,” said Rax. “Now!”
Padel handed over his sword to the traitor.
“I’d sure like to give him my sword in another way.”
“You’re not the first,” replied Rax. “Ten men already tried.”
Rastus, the traitor carried the sword to the vat which the two soldiers behind him had set down. Padel had never seen him up close. He had expected something fiercer. After all that he’s done, he shouldn't look so human.
“How can we trust him?” said Padel as he swung the visor down over his face. He knew he looked a mess. He smelt horrible. He longed to be home. Five years without seeing my son. Mandel would be eight now.
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Anybody interested in reading the rest and giving some feedback can email me at: jmanley@creativityrising.com. I'd appreciate any comments, and open to harsh reviews. I've spent 130+ hours on this story, so you won't be reading a first draft. I've done my best to bring it to the best I can. Its about 9,000 words in printer rule format.
Thanks in advance.
In creativity rising,
John
www.creativityrising.com
www.innerdrawings.com
I think the last paragraph is too soon to hit that tangeant.
Rastus, the traitor carried the sword to the vat which the two soldiers behind him had set down.
I think it would help if it was two sentences, like this:
The two soliders set down the vat. Rastus, the traitor, carried the sword over....
While that helps the sentence structure, I'm still not sure what's happening. What's in the vat? What is Rastus doing? It would help if you added some explanation here.
I'd be happy to read the entire story if you don't mind it taking about a week to get back to you.
However;
"I'd sure like to give him my sword in another way" didn't work for me. "I'd sure like" comes over as quite specifically US regional idiomatic speech, and "in another way", while it's clear what you're making Padel imply, it just feels clunky.
I agree that the "vat" sentence is clumsy, too.
I didn't like the switch from third to first person dipping into Padel's thoughts. "His", not "my" would work just as well.
Sadly, I don't think I've got time to crit 9000 words at the moment. If that changes, I'll let you know.
There's a temporary tense change after "He had expected something fiercer" that I think is a switch to Padel's thoughts; it's awkward. By the way, are there italics in here that aren't showing up? I just realized that might explain my and tchernabyelo's comments.
I like the "Now!" at the beginning; it worked as a hook for me. It seemed out of place with the tone of the rest of the dialogue, though.
I don't know why Padel should give the traitor his sword; who Rax is in relation to Padel; what Rastus did; what they're trusting him with; or where they are. In short, I don't know the parts I really care about! OSC's advice: just tell us. Up front, either in an initial paragraph, or as soon as a question arises. Referring to "what [Rastus] did": that is the perfect time to tell us. Then we can care.
quote:
“Give him your sword,? said Rax. “Now!?
All the double quotes turning into strange characters or is it something to do with me being on a Mac?
Anyone know if these might have something to do with ASCII codes?
Yes, I'm seeing the weirdo marks. I'm using regular "quote" marks as I type in the reply box, rather than using ASCII characters. I haven't noticed problems HERE with what I've written. My Word documents I've been sending out for critiques are another matter...