José was a miracle child, and he knew it. Not a miracle because Grace Hernandez had been told by a score of doctors that she was unable to bear and then, lo and behold, José. Nor because of his first word ‘Mama’ at two months of age. Even though these things were true, and were the reason that everyone else called him a miracle, José discovered that it was because of the one thing that no one else even suspected.
It was because he remembered the people that disappeared.
Aunt Joy was the first one he noticed, just after his mother had put him to bed for the night. It was like his memory suddenly split along two parallel tracks; one in which she existed up until the time of the split, the other in which she never existed at all.
Apparently I have no takers. Can I just get a general comment on the opening. Good? Bad? Does it hook you at all?
Any help at all would be appreciated. Really.
Nice hook. A few phrasing things:
-leave off the "It was because" on the last line of the first paragraph (or first line of second--not sure if that was supposed to be its own paragraph)
-Some time frame for his first time would be nice.
I'd be interested in reading more, but I really don't have the time right now. Hope you find someone.
My comments so far: we can get to the hook quicker if we don't consider reasons that DON'T apply.
José was a miracle child, and he knew it:
he remembered the people that disappeared.
Aunt Joy was the first one he noticed...
Keep in mind the time differentials, depending on where folks live.My comment is about this line:
quote:
It was like his memory suddenly split along two parallel tracks; one in which she existed up until the time of the split, the other in which she never existed at all.
I am gathering we are using Jose as the POV character. I felt like the above statement was too grown-up sounding for a character I am led to believe is just a boy. If he ISN'T a boy, you should make that clear up front. If he IS a boy, I would suggest you use a young boy's way of talking to make that statement.
By the way, I forgot to say: Nice hook. I think you did a good job on it.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited October 28, 2005).]
Thanks for comments, I'll send to those who said they could read. Really no hurry on the complete crits. Really, I mean it.
As for the POV being that of a young child. I don't come right out and say it right away, but he is a genius, as I thought it would be sort of obvious from him being able to speak at two months. Guess not. As for why I list the reasons for him NOT being a miracle child, I put those in there to show why everyone else thinks he is, thus why he comes to use the term in reference to himself.
This is a time travel story, so I'm sure there are gaping holes in my logic. Time travel is so easy to make a mistake with. Anyway, thanks all.
quote:
Even though these things were true, and were the reason that everyone else called him a miracle, José discovered that it was because of the one thing that no one else even suspected.
It was because he remembered the people that disappeared.
I feel that these sentences are too passive and round about. You don't need to say "Even though these things were true" because we assume that they are. It just looses the nice momentum you've been building. The next part is a toss up because I'm assuming this is why everyone else considers him a miracle, though you *might* want to state this. And I would rather the next line be more straight forward, like "The miracle of Jose was that he remembered the people that disappeared." or something straight forward like that
All in all a very intriguing piece. Nice work.
wbriggs, as always you are thorough and expedient. THanks!