(This is probably not a good title; sorry, the title tends to come last). Anyway, I'm looking for comments on this opening, as well as readers for the whole thing, which clocks up at something like 6000 words currently, in a pretty rough draft. Thanks in advance. # Dragons gathered in the sky overhead, dancing amidst the grey, heavy clouds. Mei-Lin, busy grinding a human skull into powder, did no more than glance at them. Her son was coming to her, and wherever her son went, dragons and rain followed. Because of her. Because she had stood by while they made a god of him. Time to work changes, she thought. On the hearth, the mortality potion, a mixture of turtle scales, ginger roots and wrinkled tea leaves, had started to boil, its colour deepening with each cluster of bubbles. By the time Mei-Lin had finished, her hands were covered in grey powder. She emptied the contents of the mortar into the liquid, brushed her hands above, as if washing them.
(edited to make it less confusing)
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited October 31, 2005).]
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
Too much is veiled currently. You should rouse my curiousity by making me want to know what happens next, not wonder why it is happening or who our MC really is.
Not that every story has to be open about everything all the time. It is usually okay to keep some questions unanswered but this beginning left me with one too many.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
Yeah, you're right. It is quite confused. I'll edit it to make things a little clearer.
Posted by Crotalus@work (Member # 2959) on :
Actually I like this opening. But the hook for me was the second sentence. I'd start there and word it thusly:
Mei-Lin, busy grinding a human skull into powder, did no more than glance at the dragons gathered in the sky overhead, dancing amidst the grey, heavy clouds.
I'm willing to read if you're not in a hurry for a reply. It usually takes me 3 to 10 days to crit something of this length.
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
I agree about the second sentence, its a good first sentence.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
I'd certainly read on; but yes, the initial hook is the "grinding a human skull", but then that gets (pretty much) explained straight away - however by then I'm intrigued enough by the setting to want to know how it's going to turn out.
I'm not sure I have time at the moment to critique 6000 words at rought draft stage, though.
I'll get back to you if I think I can do it.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
I'd be happy to read for you.
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
Interesting beginning. I always like your stories anyway. You can send it to me if you are not in a hurry(It may be a couple of weeks) -- I'm a little tied up right now, or you can wait and send me the next draft if you plan to post it. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
Dude, thanks a lot for the offer! If you don't mind, I'll keep you aside for the next draft, in order to have a fresh pair of eyes look at it after I'm sick of it. Story should be on its way to Crotalus and Lmermaid.
Posted by Crotalus@work (Member # 2959) on :
I got it. Gave it a once over. Will email you with some general comments probably tomorrow.
But I will say this up front, if this is a rough draft, I can't wait to see your polished work.
