(Edit: this is also posted on my "Sub Club" on LH.)
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Diane opened the door to her townhouse, and showed her neighbor in. It was just Bill: ever-hopeful Bill, and she hated to encourage him because there was just no chemistry, but she was still bubbling over, wanting to show everyone her new pet. Her alien pet.
"I have all the manuals," she said, "and I have a translation module for when its language ability kicks in, and I have dietary supplements, since it's adapted to a different ecosystem---"
"Where is it?" Bill said. He took off his boots: a requirement, in her house.
She led him into the living room, opened the carrying cage, and picked it up, very gently.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited November 06, 2005).]
I think if you are turning this in as a class assignment you might want to put a semi colon before the last sentence of the first paragraph, ...her new pet; her alien pet.
If you've cleaned this up since its posting at LH, send it on over and I'll give a once over Sunday. I'll probably do a lot more punctuation examination though.
EDIT: had to add this -
"If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. But do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites, standing for absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college." - Kurt Vonnegut
[This message has been edited by pantros (edited November 05, 2005).]
There will be people who will argue that it's incorrect, but let them. Who really cares? I like the effect it has there and elsewhere.
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Wellington
quote:
Diane opened the door to her townhouse, and showed her neighbor in.
This line does not make it clear whether they are both outside coming in or whether she opened the door to Bill.
The word 'townhouse' seem a little out of POV unless she is outside. So I am inclined to think these two people arrive together.
quote:
It was just Bill: ever-hopeful Bill, and she hated to encourage him because there was just no chemistry, but she was still bubbling over, wanting to show everyone her new pet. Her alien pet.
Regardless of the pictuation/mechanics, (which I am unclear on) I enjoy this little paragraph. It gives a great image of someone excited about their new 'toy'.
quote:
"I have all the manuals," she said, "and I have a translation module for when its language ability kicks in, and I have dietary supplements, since it's adapted to a different ecosystem---"
Ditto my comment above.
quote:
"Where is it?" Bill said. He took off his boots: a requirement, in her house.
I was not sure if she had to take off her shoes too. It does however, show that he is a regular here.
I would read on, and mostly because I want to 'see' the alien pet. I like the voice used in this piece.
If you want readers you can send it my way.
Edit: As to the opening line ambiguity to which I referred, you could clear it up, if inclined, very easily. For instance, if they are both outside arriving together, you could say, 'Diane unlocked the door to her townhouse'
or if she is responding to a knock at the door you could do something like:
Diane opened the door; it was just her neighbour Bill, ever-hopeful Bill. She showed him in but hated to encourage him...
Far from an ideal reworking, so grain'o'salt it if you want.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 06, 2005).]
My comments on the opening: for some reason it made me think of Gizmo, you know the furry pre-gremlin. Maybe the language ability thing, i don't know. I'd like a stronger first sentence. Overall your writing is clean and I was hooked.
Its too late to really do much on the sentence structure and flow given your deadline.
Christine started a thread recently about how to write humorous stories.
This piece was fun.
(I discuss this a little on my blog, youwillknow.blogspot.com . Thanks to all my critiquers!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited November 10, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 11, 2005).]
However I would ditch the first sentence. For me the story started at: It was just Bill -