Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sitnalta: The Lost Desert City

This is topic Sitnalta: The Lost Desert City in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by zetars (Member # 2956) on :

So, he thought to himself, it really does exist, it really does. He looked down from the cliff and down unto a vast unforgiving desert. Now he knew that his journey had not been in vain, but that he finally found it. He finally found the lost desert city of Sitnalta. Inside of its temple was the rock of Anthargram.
Now it was time to begin the descent down the face of the cliff. The scorching sun burnt upon him, but he had pushed on the entire way. He WOULD get that stone. No bigger then the palm if his hand, but more powerful then even a Neutron Bomb.
Now he took his pack off, and began to rummage through for the mountain climbing equipment. It WILL be mine. The others may have died, but I will not.

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

I'm hooked. Very intriguing. But here are some thoughts:

"He finally found the lost desert city of Sitnalta."

Something about that sentence was very anticlimactic for me. I was really getting into the suspense of his having found the 'it' that really did exist. My brain was going, "Ooh ooh! What is it? What is it?" But then you had this sentence, which isn't descriptive or dramatic, but simply a statement, and my brain went, "Oh, is that all? What was all the fuss about?"

Question: do neutron bombs exist in this person's universe? If they don't, you can't use it as a comparison. I was immersed until there, and it ripped me out of the story because it didn't seem to fit. But maybe you address this somewhere after line 13.

"Now it was time to begin the descent down the face of the cliff. "

You don't need to say that. We will infer it when he rummages through his pack. In fact, I would say move the sentence about the pack to where this sentence is currently.

Like I said, I'm intrigued. I'd love to read more if you want to send it.

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

A neutron bomb is not what you think it is; it is certainly not something to compare to when talking about pure power.

Where is the city? He can see it, why can't we?

Other than those two nits, I think this is a great start.

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

Hey Zetars!
This is a good start.
One little nit in the first line.

quote:

he thought to himself, ...

I have never heard that phrase. Can thinking be anything other than to one's self?

I like the piece and woud be willing to read on from here. The neutron bomb was a jarring reference because I had assumed the setting was fantasy, (maybe it was the names) but otherwise, well done.

edit for typos

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 14, 2005).]

Posted by zetars (Member # 2956) on :

Okay then. I actually have very little more. It will be edited shortly...

Posted by zetars (Member # 2956) on :

Okay, based on suggestions, I think this is great!

So, he thought, it really does exist, it really does. He looked down from the cliff and down unto a vast unforgiving desert. Now he knew that his journey had not been in vain, but that he finally found it. Thousands of men devoted their lives to finding it, but he was the one who succeeded and finally found the lost desert city of Sitnalta. Inside of its temple was the rock of Anthargram.
The scorching sun burnt upon him, but he had pushed on the entire way. He WOULD get that stone. No bigger then the palms of his hand, but had more destructive power then even a black hole.
Now he took his pack off, and began to rummage through for the mountain climbing equipment. It WILL be mine. The others may have died, but I will not.

Posted by zetars (Member # 2956) on :

You may be wondering about the 19 extra posts. My computer wouldn't load and I kept hittng "Submit". It also won't let me delete them.

Note from Kathleen:

I cut them for you.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 16, 2005).]

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

heh heh

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

I was going "What is going on here? Does the poster know that only one post is ok??"

I'm just kidding. I do like the new beginning. But I would say if you are looking for "the rock of Anthargram" rock should be capitalized.

I agree with the 'show us' what the desert city looks like after so long of being undiscovered.

Other than the capitalization that I think should be added, it's much better than the first.

-Monolith-

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

I still see a guy looking at a desert somehow thinking he found a city, but I don't know how the city and the desert are connected.

How long is this piece? What Genre?

Posted by zetars (Member # 2956) on :

Uhhh, that's it. There's nothing else. It is just supposed to make you wonder... I have ten more. Like the mysteries of Harris Burdick, that's excellent.