Weathered and battered she ambled to the stone pillar. Now she could finally see the markings that it had hid from her for so many years. Immense bursts of pain erupted from her left, broken arm. She looked to it with solemn eyes as now would be the turning point in the trail of death she had caused. Bodies of Monks lay behind her that only minutes ago had been teeming with life. One had warned her about the pillar, but now she began to decipher its secrets. He had cautioned her about the Pillar of Light, but now it was too late…
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
It's very good of you to give us the opportunity to critique so many pieces all at once.
Unattributed pronouns. "Ambling" implies a very casual, relaxed, approach, rather in contrast with having "immense bursts of pain". Individual bodies do not generally "teem" with life. An ocean, or a continent, or a city, might teem with life. Not a monk, unless it's some sort of collective gestalt hive organism? The final two sentences are repetitive in both cadence and structure, with "warned-but", "cautioned-but"; at the same time, beginning to decipher its secrets appears to be at odds with being "too late".
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
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[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited November 15, 2005).]