Some men keep violence in their pocket, while others embrace violence in their heart. Those who do not understand the difference condemned both as men of evil. Fortunately for them, this mass characterization is only half right or else they would be consumed. Some of us stand ready to defend the peaceful against true evil. We are the rough men that keep them safe at night. We are the Fallen.
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“Matcom Alexindor, you stand charged with the crime of accidental homicide. How do you plead?”
Alone in the center of the courtroom with his head bowed, the man answered in a strong voice, “Guilty, your Honor.”
Start with the courtroom scene.
Alone in the center... are there other people in the room at all?
[This message has been edited by pantros (edited November 17, 2005).]
In the last sentence, now that we know his name, use it instead of 'the man' (but be sure to use the form of name that he uses when referring to himself, since we're in his POV).
"Those who do not understand the difference condemned both as men of evil."
This sentenced confused me for a minute. Grammatically, 'those' in this context refers to the people in one of the two categories you mention immediately before. You intended 'those' to mean everybody else outside the two categories. This problem persists with 'them' and 'they' in the following sentence, because of the mis-attribution. Can you rephrase it so that the pronouns will be properly attributed?
The words "this mass characterization" are awkward.
On the idea level, I like it and am hooked. I'd love to read more.
This is the rest of the courtroom scene.
“Matcom Alexindor, you stand charged with the crime of accidental homicide. How do you plead?”
Alone in the center of the courtroom with his head bowed, the man answered in a strong voice, “Guilty, your Honor.”
“For your crime, you are sentenced to serve in the Federal Penal Legion until the time it is safe for you to return to society. Do you have any questions for the court?”
“No, your Honor.”
Still with a bowed head, the man shuffled over to the solitary guard and waited to be taken away.
Behind the protective shield, the judge finalized the proceedings and transmits the hearing for public review.
Seriously, lose the whole paragraph, preamble or whatever. Start the story in the courtroom. You have a good hook with the courtroom scene. The preamble, by its very existance, just muddles it and separates us from the story.
Like the others have said, I'd drop the whole first paragraph or you can use it in dialogue or something like that to let the reader know what happens to violent men like the MC.
You know what I mean??
-Monolith-
Honestly, where did you get Federal Penal Legion? I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just saying that its waaay too early for me to be able to suspend my disbelief in such a name. It feels so forced and introductory. It doesn't flow. Maybe a chapter heading might help, or something that we're not seeing in this context.
But, I feel this way a lot when I read here. It seems that we sit down and think, 'Oh, here's a cool name, I'll use it', but we don't think about the weight it places on the belief system of the reader (i.e., the reader doesn't believe it).
Sounds interesting. Hope that helps.
lerxster
Its like Mr Card says, “the first paragraph is free.” And I agree with that ideology. I like it, but I'm not a very good editor, and I am also not a publisher.
The question you need to decide is will it sell? Especially if the editor/publishers are only going to read the first page to decide if they will continue or not.
Those are my thoughts, hope they help.
D. James Larkin
I went ahead and moved everything to the 1st pov.
“Matcom Alexindor, you stand charged with the crime of accidental homicide. How do you plead?”
I stood in the middle of the almost empty courtroom, with my head bowed. In the strongest voice I found within me, my reply committed me to my future, “Guilty, your Honor.”
“For your crime, you are sentenced to serve in the Federal Penal Legion until the time it is safe for you to return to society. Do you have any questions for the court?”
“No, your Honor.”
As I kept my head down, I shuffled over to the solitary guard and waited to be taken away. My life was to be spared and I was to be turned in to a tool to protect those I hurt.
The last line seems a little too unsupported to me but that 13 line cut off.
[This message has been edited by Winship (edited November 22, 2005).]
Don't worry about forcing all that junk into the 13th line. Most of that information can come in following paragraphs.
As I kept my head down...
Lose the "As", its not appropriate. Either "I kept my head down and shuffled over..."
or, "Keeping my head down, I..."
Don't just say "taken away." Say "Taken away to the hell that was to become my life." or something else with a little more flavor.
"Until the time it is safe for you..." too wordy.
try something like:
"Until you are deemed harmless to society."
Why tell how he feels when the story is suppose to show how he feels about his actions (at least that is what Iam attempting to do)?
Which might work fine in that context, but can be lost in the short story, unless you're going to do a whole series of "Fallen" stories about this Federal Penal Legion (a kind of Dirty Dozen/Suicide Squad?). Which the concept lends itself to quite nicely.
quote:
Why tell how he feels when the story is suppose to show how he feels about his actions (at least that is what Iam attempting to do)?
Because you are in first person.
If the narrator knows why he is doing something, we should know why as he does it. When using first person, you don't really have the same license to withhold pending further exposition when the relevant time to know is now.
You shouldn't only show us how he feels. You should tell us. If you just show us through his actions, you create a distance between the reader and the character. What you want to do is create an empathy for the character.
Also there is no tag or attribution to "Guilty, Your Honor." So, it should be preceeded by a period to seperate it from the previous sentence.
Give us a little more of the judges reaction, not just his words. Surely the MC thinks there is some disgust or contempt in the judges words or was the judge aloof, not really caring?