Kelly flung her arm across her husband's body, dragging her hand around till she found his arm and squeezed it.

"You ok?" she mumbled into her pillow.

Sam didn't answer. His breath was shallow, his mind racing, reviewing the ghostly images it had conjured seconds before -

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 19, 2005).]
 

How long is the actual piece this is the start of?

What do you want people to do with this? Read the whole thing or just critique the first 13?

You might want to at least introduce yourself before you start posting. Also, keep in mind that you will learn more from offering your critiques of other peoples work than you ever will by looking for feedback on your work, so get out there and read what other people have started and the feedback they have given and recieved.

[This message has been edited by pantros (edited November 18, 2005).]
 

This is the beginning of a story that's been putting itself together in my head for years, hopefully someday amounting to a novel. *Knock wood.* The genre is mystery / thriller, and I'd just like to see if this first part grabs your attention and what I could do better.

Thanks so much.
 

The opening is very cliched. The main character waking up in a sweat, afraid of a dream or some vision that later wrack his psyche throughout the piece. It's been done, many, many, many, many times.

Second, you want us to care why the main character is feeling such anxiety and having these dreams. But we know nothing about him, so we inherently don't. You can't just show someone in a state of panic and expect us to worry about him. We have to be involved with the story, the characters, before you can expect any emotional connection from us.

My opinion: you started this story in the wrong place. This opening doesn't do well to set up a conflict or show character development.
 

Still, it reads just a hair over-dramatic for my tastes, and there seems to be a point of view violation. I'm not sure whose head I'm supposed to be inside.
 

I agree about the melodrama. Unless we have gotten to know the character a little better prior to this scene occuring, it needs to be toned down.

The bit about smelling the smoke after waking was a nice sensory detail that helped draw me in. I also liked the image of drowsy Kelly's hand searching for his arm.

If his name is Sam, tell us that up front. There's no need to keep it a secret, and doing so only forces you to use pronouns unnecessarily.

quote:

---

"His heart was a bass drum..."

---

No it wasn't. It was a heart. Pounding, thudding, racing, beating loudly, whatever. It's still a heart. Please don't call it a drum. That pulls the reader out of the moment while their brain goes through the exercise of making the comparison.

Who/what/where is Yourna? You dropped the name in there, but we don't if know if it's a person or a thing or a place or even a state of mind ("searching for nirvana"). We don't necessarily have to know anything more about Yourna, but we at least have to have some idea of what our imagination is supposed to conjure (animal, vegetable, or mineral?). That sentence was a bump for me.

Not bad. I'd be interested in seeing more.

Edited for spelling.

[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited November 19, 2005).]
 

I assume that the screams had already filled his head while he was asleep. So, it felt awkward to have screams filling his head even as he woke.
Maybe something like:
The screams in his head lingered, pounding his mind as he awoke.

Too much on the heart and bubbling stomach. I thought, initially, I was looking at a scene from Aliens.

I would use dark instead of darkened.

Gradually, his senses came to him. I don't like the use of 'back' there (just me, though).

But there in his nostrils ... I was expecting some living thing in there or something. I don't know, just felt weird, but I see what you're aiming for.

I feel conflict between kelly's actions and her care for her husband. Do you fling your arm across someone when you care about them? I see what you going for, maybe something like a little gentler and softer.

So, his breath was shallow, and his mind racing. But those are merely words that get in the way. Show me, don't tell me. What does one do when one's breath is shallow? What does one do when one's mind is racing?

His eyes were darting back and forth, following the thoughts in his head. He quickly took in a breath, only to lose it just as fast.

Maybe??

I've found an amazing book on writing that explained the 'show don't tell' idea in a simple manner with excellent examples.

A guide to creative writing.
Garrison, Roger H.
call number:PN 145 .G36

Overall, I thought this was very well done. If I had had more of the story, I absolutely would've kept reading. Send it my way if you want.

lerxster at gmail dot com
 

My problem here is that I don't know why MC is upset. Why not just tell us? That's OSC's advice, anyway: tell us up front. Then we can be upset right along with the MC.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited November 19, 2005).]
 

brief and annoying lecture alert, all: remember Eng 101? simile uses 'like' or 'as' but people tend to forget about good ol' metaphor, especially in SF/F. check out Senor Shakespeare to remember just how useful and powerful declaring one thing to be another (that's metaphor) can be.

Andrew

ps - for great detective/mystery fiction, check out Lawrence Block's Matthew Scudder series, either "Sins of the Father" or "A Stab in the Dark". he's amazing with character and description.
 

(1) I agree, the shift of POV (1st paragraph to 2nd) is disorienting and off-putting. I had to stop, go back and re-read to convince myself it's *possible* the dreamer was the female putting her arm over her husband after she woke up and she had simply been dreaming from the POV of a male. Dunno if I'd have done that in cursory eval of a dead tree book in my hands--go back and read again. I would probably have put it down and moved to something else on the shelf.

(2) Who or what the heck is ...uhhh, I didn't quote and can't remember the spelling but I'll try: Yearno ??? Another moment of disjointedness that actually got worse when I re-read a second time.

Sorry. This opening did not sell me. I don't usually read the horror genre so I'm not versed enough in its cliches for the "done and overdone" to bother me. Richard Matheson this clearly was not. He is the *only* horror writer I have or will probably ever read, unconditionally, but then again, he's the original :)

-sry
************************************
Sarah R. Yoffa
http://books.sarahryoffa.com/
books@sarahryoffa.com
************************************
 

Some of the sentences could be tightened up by omitting a few words that aren't needed, "His eyes frantically darted around the darkened room..." This sentence has one too many descriptors, Frantically and darkened, making me stumble through it as I read. It could be shortened and in my opinion improved by saying, "His eyes darted around the darkened room" The word 'darted' implies frantic anyway, so its almost like saying it twice. Another sentence that I think needs some improvement is "His heart was a bass drum inside his ribcage and his stomach was bubbling with nausea." Now there is nothing terribly wrong here, and maybe it is just my own preference but to me it would sound better and 'feel' better if it were, "His heart was a bass drum inside his ribcage, his stomach bubbled with nausea."

The main thing I would suggest is going over your sentences, and making sure that they don't cause confusion or make you stumble. Some of them just felt a little ackward to me, and other than that I liked it, seems like a decent hook, and a good place to start the story.

Hope this was of some help