Thanks in advance for any comments. ---------------------------------------
“Dad, I’m ready. Let’s go,” Julia said.
I would miss the white walls. For two months, every evening, I had shared hours with them. We had initially rallied against their appearance. On one of the first few days at the hospital, while Julia was at her final chemotherapy treatment, we had hung her paintings and drawings on every exposed surface, attempting to infect the room with her spirit. Even the day nurses had joined in the effort. When she returned, she had cried and asked us to take all of them down—-all, but one, her first painting of me. She had said that she didn’t want to pretend this place was any part of her life. I had carefully packed everything back up into the portfolios, carried them out into the hallway and down to the visitor’s
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 22, 2005).]
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
I see a problem that I frequently have.
This story started back when the the 'had been's were still just 'was's.
If you need to give that much back story, your story should have started earlier.
Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :
In the beginning, I thought I was in Julia's POV, until the sentence starting "On one of the first few days at the hospital, while Julia was..." It's fine to start with dialog that doesn't belong to the POV character, as long as you make it crystal clear in the next line who the POV character is and why he/she wasn't the one speaking.
Also, I think this paragraph is heavy. I started to zone out after a few sentences. But that could be my short attention span.
I am unclear where this room is. At first I thought it was at home. Then at the hospital. Then I zoned out so I'm not really sure.
I can clearly see the hook buried in there, but you need to dig it out so it's more prominent, so-to-speak.
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
Yes, I agree with Pantros... I wish I "had" been involved in the story earlier. The story starts out with I would, then I shared, but then it's We rallied -- difficult to follow this. As far as a hook per se, I didn't find it that interesting. It's a rather mundane setting and didn't pull me in. Make me interested in Julia and her father.
Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :
At first I thought maybe Julia was the POV character, because the second paragraph starts with how the POV character would miss the white walls. I got later that it was because the Dad spent so much time in the hospital, but it didn't immediately occur to me and I had to backtrack. The introduction of "We" in the second sentence threw me. I know the "we" isn't Julia and her dad, because of what happens later. Is the "we" the mom and dad? If so, could you change it to "Mom and I"? (Better yet, the mom's name, because while Dads may call their wife 'Mom' around their kids, I doubt they think in those terms.)
I think you start in a fine place. It's natural to reflect on a period of life when it's finally over. It's just a paragraph--and by the end of the paragraph I know we're going to be launching into what's happening now.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I suggest a bit more clarity in the beginning, so we don't have to wonder where we are. Something like
My daughter Julia had been in chemotherapy for her lukemia for six months. Now that she was in remission . . .
Posted by MG (Member # 2938) on :
I agree with pantros about the 'had' and add that it really takes the immediacy out of a story; I'm not reading what is happening, I'm reading what *happened* already*. Why would I want a huge paragraph of what happened before the story you want to tell starts?
'I think you start in a fine place. It's natural to reflect on a period of life when it's finally over. It's just a paragraph--and by the end of the paragraph I know we're going to be launching into what's happening now'.
I don't agree with that (sorry aperion, nice nick btw).
Let me know how the MC feels about his current situation *as* the story unfolds, not before as a mini-prologue. If the story starts after that paragraph, you probably don't need it.
Written as wbriggs suggested, the situation the MC's in might hook me.
