This is my second story for the class and I'm not sure whether it's Sci-fi, or contemporary, but I would really like feedback, both on the thirteen lines and on the rest of the story. If you care to read it let me know and I'll send you all that I have.
It's not finished yet, I'm having trouble coming up with a resolution to tie it all together. So suggestions on that are welcome as well. Here are the first thirteen lines:
Steven Belmont was lying on the floor of his basement turned workshop after a rather unexpectedly large explosion had knocked him off his feet. He stood up rather slowly and shook his head gingerly. Based on experience he knew that in about ten minutes his ears would stop ringing enough for him to hear the phone ringing. He also knew from experience that if he answered the phone it would be the neighbors calling to complain about the noise. Not ask if he was all right, oh no, that had stopped after the first two days of living there. Now it was only complaints; never mind that he was a serious inventor working on several important projects. As far as the neighbors were concerned human progress could come to a dead halt so long as they got their precious peace and quiet.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Hey BCluff, Welcome to F&F.
Comments on the first 13.
This is a piece that, I feel, would be good to have someone who is unfamiliar with it read out loud, so you could see and hear what doesn't work and where they stumble.
quote: Steven Belmont was lying on the floor of his basement turned workshop after a rather unexpectedly large explosion had knocked him off his feet.
The most important thing I would suggest is that you remove words that dull the impact of your sentence like 'rather'.
The phrase 'was lying' is passive. Maybe 'Steven Belmont lay on the floor...' would be a stronger lead-in. I mention this mainly because the first line is often considered an indicator of the level of craftsmanship of the entire piece.
Phrases like 'unexpectedly large'-- that demonstrate two ideas--may work better if you replace them with a single idea, either 'unexpected' or 'large'. Deciding which one to replace in this case is easy, because we get an idea of the explosion's size from the character being knocked off his feet. So I would suggest replacing 'unexpectedly large' with a word like 'sudden' or 'premature.'
Be careful with adverbs. 'Slowly' and 'gingerly' in the same sentence sets up an uncomfortable rhythm that may divert the reader from paying attention to the story itself, to the way the words sound. I think adverbs often cover up for us when we can't find the right verb. However, sometimes they are the only option.
The whole 'head-ringing' and 'based on experience' part may be better demonstrated by allowing the reader to see it happen rather than being told about it. So, as the whining in his ears fades, let it be replaced with the ringing of the phone, that sort of thing.
These are just my thoughts. Hope they help. How long is this piece? If its under 2500 words send it to me and I'll look at it if you still want a reader.
Cheers
Edit: spelling, punctuation and smilie.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 29, 2005).]
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
I didn't like the phrase basement turned workshop.
Just basement workshop would read better imo.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
What I noticed is that by using "after" in the first sentence you actually begin the story with sort of a flashback. Why not start with the explosion and him being knocked off his feet, then show him on the floor? I think Hoptoad covered most of my other thoughts.
Posted by Leigh (Member # 2901) on :
Hoptoad got everything pretty much, except that all the sentences are a little too long for me. I read it out loud and needed a breath half way through each sentence, so maybe a little shorter on the sentences would be a good thing.
Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :
BCluff,
Although I agree with all the other comments, I like the tone of your story and would like to read the rest and provide a critique. email it to me!
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
I second that, Calligrapher! I did not mention it, before. I do like the character's cynical bent.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I think you should start with the explosion, rather than a memory of it; but if you did start here, this might make it punchier.
I tried rewriting it. Presumptious, I know, but I wanted to see what I thought was missing. Here's the conclusions I came to:
* Shorter paragraphs * Don't so much tell us what tends to happen, as show us what's happening, right now. Not "the phone would ring," but the phone, ringing, right now. More fun. * "The neighbors" is vague. Make it someone specific. Mrs. McCormick complaining that her puppy's nappy time has been disturbed, or she's trying to watch Family Feud, or something. YOu might have the conversation actually happen, rather than have Steven imagine it.
Steven Belmont, inventor extraordinaire, lay on the floor of his basement workshop after an explosion knocked him off his feet.
He stood up rather slowly and shook his head gingerly. His ears were ringing. Or was it the phone? He couldn't tell. ...
Posted by MG (Member # 2938) on :
Aw, the party's over and the band left...it always feels like that when all that needed to be said has been said.
