Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Rise of Darkness Tides

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Posted by James Hightower (Member # 3050) on :

first chapter on my first book... i need crits for characterization and plot... any crits are appreciated...

Chapter 1
*The Capture*

Quinzin grinned, apologizing to the banker who he knocked down, even while slipping the other man's money into his pocket. The banker hurried off, it was very annoying how everyone around him seemed very busy while he had nothing to do. He headed toward The Golden Rooms, the inn he occupied. No place was his home for long. Quinzin entered The Golden Rooms and smiled at the woman at the desk. There were more important matters to think of though; he would have to shun his pleasures until the job was done tonight. He had to be quiet for the job he was about to do, and above all he'd be getting coin from it.

When night came, he set out to his destination. The building he arrived at intimidated all who passed it. The structure was

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 09, 2005).]

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Um... you might want to go back and read the rules posted in the "PLEASE READ HERE FIRST" forum.

Specifically, the rule restricting you to 13 lines and no more.
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000001.html

For various good reasons, there is a strict regulation on this board to 13 lines only. We count 13 lines by setting your word processor margins to 1", using 12 point Courier type.

You need to go back and edit before anyone will critique your work. If you don't edit, Kathleen will.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

...and I suggest you do this ASAP. Publishing this here ruins your chance to publish it for pay elsewhere.

Posted by keldon02 (Member # 2398) on :

"Quinzin grinned, apologizing to the banker who he knocked down"

First thing, I'd delete "who".

Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :

James H, what point of view is this story in? I'd like to know what your trying to do before I comment.

[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited December 17, 2005).]

Posted by eclectic skeptic (Member # 3046) on :

Just a few sentences I think could be re-worded. But I like the voice, and I like the style. I like how we can feel how this character is going to be right off.

Sentence structure is just a little messy at places (everyone does it) but for example, "The banker hurried off, it was very annoying..." This transition feels a little funky to me, like we should almost have it be another sentence rather than just a comma. "The banker hurried off. Quinzin suddenly felt very annoyed with how everyone seemed..."

"the inn he occupied" makes it sound like he is the only one staying there. it could be something like, "...his current home, but no place was his home for long."

Sounds a little redundant with "until the job" in one sentence, and then having the next sentence have "quiet for the job"

Anyway, those are just knitpicky things, but I couldn't find anything else really, so that means I liked it for the most part. I am decently hooked into this story.

Posted by MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero (Member # 3074) on :

Awesome. Is uh...Quinzin a goodie or a badie? Me, I'm sayin that he's leaning towards the badie side. Evil is so much fun. Like fire. Hmhmhmhm.....fire...