Thanks go out, in advance, for any and all comments.
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We wept. It was the first time I had cried since the war ended. This time, tears of joy were replaced by those of unyielding sorrow. I had felt loss before...many times, in fact. But never like this. It was a raw wound, like a gaping hole in my heart. In mine, and Myra’s. I vaguely recall her holding me, digging her strong fingers into my back so hard the nails cut through shirt and skin. I didn’t care; I was numb, now. The sickening feeling of no feeling was all I had left.
Hours passed, and with each turn of the ‘glass it seemed a lifetime had slipped away. I felt old, and not the way a grandfather contentedly sits with his children’s children on either knee. No, I felt decrepit...wasted.
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Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited December 11, 2005).]
Tell us up front, and we can relate, I think.
Note that this isn't a "dang that 13 lines rule" problem. I want to know what the disaster is *before* I see MC's reaction. Otherwise I just stare with incomprehension (and therefore disinterest).
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited December 11, 2005).]
Otherwise, the level of sadness and weeping is too high for real people. Tone it down and use the extra words/lines to add some action or revelation or something to tweak my brain and hook me.
I'm not hooked and would not read on. Sorry. If you rewrite, however, do post and I'll re-read happily :) I would LOVE to see why (in your mind) these people are crying and you didn't have enough space in 13 lines to do that on the first cut. Or so you thought <<wink>>
-sry
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My sons were gone. I had been too late--far too late--to save them. My gaze was frozen, locked on the horrifying sight of bodies dangling from the ancient tree at the center of our village. All the children were there...hung like herbs from gnarled rafters, swaying in the brisk autumn wind.
I wept for the first time since the day the war ended. Those tears of joy were now replaced and repaid tenfold by ones of unyielding sorrow. I had felt loss before...many times, in fact. But never like this. It was a raw wound, like a gaping hole in my heart. In mine, and Myra’s.
I vaguely recall my wife clinging to me, digging her strong fingers into my back so hard the nails cut through shirt and skin.
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Better? Worse? Something in-between?
Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous
My preference would be "I had felt pain before but not like this"
But if you wanted to keep the syntax choppy to help ilustrate pain find a way to punch me in the gut a little harder.
quote:
Those tears of joy were now replaced and repaid tenfold by ones of unyielding sorrow
I'll want you to get around to the story of why the children were murdered (or the investigation of it, if MC doesn't know) PDQ -- I get that he's sad, so I'll want you to get on to why such a monstrosity can happen.
Rereading it, I note that you've still got a touch of melodrama: you've got the emotions in me you wanted, by describing the scene, and describing the feelings as the saddest since the end of the war feels like a letdown (of course they're the worst thing!). My thought: trust the events to evoke the feelings for you! It's working!
Anyway, for now, you have definitely got me hooked.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited December 12, 2005).]
That first line, even the hung like herbs line got me.
It reminds me of some writing advice I once heard:
Mean less. That is, don't mean so much.
Give us as much of the ground situation as you can as soon as possible. The first paragraph is not too soon. The first page is not too soon. Tell us who, what, where and when etc -- Do not do this 'artfully'
The above advice is about having faith in the real value of your story. Do you believe in it? Can you believe that if you explain the situation people will be interested. In this case, you told us and we're interested. Well done.
Edit: (Advice came from The 39 Steps: A primer on Story Writing University of Southern Mississippi Centre for Writers website)
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited December 12, 2005).]
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My sons were gone. I had been too late--far too late--to save them. My gaze was frozen, locked on the horrifying sight of bodies dangling from the ancient tree at the center of our village. All the children were there...hung like herbs from gnarled rafters, swaying in the brisk autumn wind.
I wept for the first time since the day the war ended. Those tears had been joyful; these were anything but. I had felt loss before, but never like this. This was a raw wound, like a gaping hole in my heart. In mine, and Myra’s.
I vaguely recall my wife clinging to me, digging her strong fingers into my back so hard the nails cut through shirt and skin.
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Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous
Everyone else is saying everything is one hundred percent better in the new versions as compared with the first. And in general I agree, but I am skeptical. For one; I liked some of the shared emotions of the first, describing what our MC is feeling helps me to feel as well. It lets me know how to react to the situation, but if overdone, its melodrama, and if done correctly it is perfect. Your first was tending towards the melodrama, the second cut alot out and the third left me with no indication really of he is currently feeling. I liked some of the description in the first that you cut out, they evoked an image of what this man was feeling, particularly, "I felt old, and not the way a grandfather...No, I felt decrepit...wasted" I liked that image, it made me understand something of how that would feel.
So although I think you have improved by the third, I also think you cut some of the things that made the first pretty good in my opinion. In essence, I think you cut the right things for the most part, and re-wrote some of the things that didn't work, but you also cut some of the things that did work. So although the third one I admit works better as far as being able to understand the scene, it doesn't work as well as it could as far as showing how he felt.
Hope that helps, And good work altogether
Also, a very hearty thank you to all who've commented thus far. The suggestions and advice have been invaluable in the development of this intro and the piece as a whole.
Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited December 14, 2005).]
I liked the last version. More and less you know what I mean.
You have more description with less words used in the first 13.
I'd like to read it when you're done with it.
Thanks in advance.
-Bryan-
quote:
My sons were gone. I had been too late--far too late--to save them. My gaze was frozen, locked on the horrifying sight of bodies dangling from the ancient tree at the center of our village. All the children were there...hung like herbs from gnarled rafters, swaying in the brisk autumn wind.I wept for the first time since the day the war ended. Those tears had been joyful; these were anything but. I had felt loss before, but never like this. This was a raw wound, like a gaping hole in my heart. In mine, and Myra’s.
I vaguely recall my wife clinging to me, digging her strong fingers into my back so hard the nails cut through shirt and skin.
Is this the latest? I hope so! It's amazing - sure it's the same story??!! What a little rearranging won't do, eh? I think my favorite visual is the "hung like herbs" from the tree...NOW I want to cry with this guy. I don't know why the kids were killed. I don't know why he's standing there looking at them. I don't know what the heck "the war" was or what started - but as a human being, seeing people hung from a tree just makes me FEEL something. If he feels like crying at the sight of it, I'll cry with him (well, maybe not literally until I'm more engaged but you get my drift)
VERY successful rewrite. Congrats!
-sry