Sorrow's Shroud
9,000wds
Eli's feet wavered on the path and the guard sent him a warning with a whip. Shards of glass woven into the tails tore at his legs and Eli struggled to stand.
"Move, cow!" The guard spat. "Or your rations go to the man in front of you tonight."
He didn't look at the guard; he kept his eyes straight to the winding path ahead. Already he had gone without rations the night before. He wouldn't survive another day without water or food.
Eli didn't remember what it was to be free. He was born to the chain and so he would die; the only thing to clutch at for comfort, his own chest. It was the way of his tainted blood. A bastard of two worlds, belonging in neither.
The very first sentence felt a little awkward. "sent him a warning with a whip" was the phrase that troubled me, specifically the verb 'sent'. Sending implies distance, but the guard is within arm's reach.
This might also be contributing: both sentences in your first paragraph follow the form "Something something something AND something." Maybe vary the sentence structure?
Personally, I felt this was a fairly strong hook. I can see the conflict and I feel sympathetically towards Eli. I'd love to read it if you don't want instant turnaround. It could be a while...
Couple of small personal things:
• His feet would probably 'falter' rather than 'waver'. They are very similar but 'wavered' seems to indicate hesitation rather than stumbling, to me anyway. (grain'o'salt)
• I was a bit thrown by the guard calling him a 'cow'. It's usually an aspersion cast at a woman, especially in Britain/Australia etc.
Other than that, I think its fine, I would read on if that third paragraph was less opaque.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited December 12, 2005).]
Eli’s feet faltered on the path and the guard sent him a warning with a whip. Shards of glass woven into the tails tore at the back of his legs and Eli struggled to stand.
“Move, cow!” the guard spat. “Or your rations go to the man in front of you tonight.”
Eli didn’t look at the guard; he kept his eyes straight to the winding path ahead. Already he had gone without rations the night before. He wouldn’t survive another day without water or food.
He was losing track of time. It seemed to have slowed as the path lengthened before him. The pace hardened each day. The only sounds that followed them were the snapping of the whip and the heaving of breath.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited December 13, 2005).]
Second sentence ending implies he is *trying to stand* but I think you intended that he is trying to *remain standing*. If you intended to show him trying to stand you might indicate that he faltered and fell to his knees...
The last paragraph talks about "them" but who are they? Eli and the guard? Are there more slaves/prisoners, etc.? This is unclear change.
Lastly for word choice in the last paragraph slapping does not fit with a whip, maybe snapping or cracking. The same with the heaving of breath - your chest might heave, but your breathing would be labored or heavy.
Also he was *losing* track of time
[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited December 13, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited December 13, 2005).]
No time to read at present, though.
Why, where and what are they doing? This shows in the fact you go immediately into a flashback after the whip scene. In many ways I too preferred the earlier version.