Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Birth of a Soldier

This is topic Birth of a Soldier in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001576

Posted by Epic Dave (Member # 3064) on :

Fantasy- word count, ca 66k

----------
“When blood is woven with fury, the spirit is lost, as the pain becomes so great that the victims no longer feel the torment that ravages their mortal forms. Instead of releasing their pain through cries of anguish, these poor souls release a part of themselves, and they are rendered less then human, and yet still greater, for what they release becomes a part of the world beyond us all.”
Nula heard the lecturer’s words, understood their meanings, and yet, somehow, she was unable to fully connect what exactly he meant. How could she lose herself, or any part of herself, and yet be any greater? No, all this talk of magic confused her. It seemed to be a silly rhetoric, really, like old tales of bugaboos come out to take away naughty children. If the

---------

Looking for volunteer readers.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 13, 2005).]

Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :

Several points

1) Change the structure of your first sentence. Using commas to offset a paranthetical remark is fine but how its worded is wrong.

Chose to lose the second comma or the word 'as'

2) same for the first line in your second paragraph. I understand that you are using the commas to create a pause effect but really its just annoying. One pause is fine but as it reads I have to mentally stammer to read it.

3) What age is Nula? Is she young? Is this the first time she's heard this story? Is it something no one in her families ever talked about? Is it something not widely discussed/known in Nula's society? Her distaste for the answer is not a problem but how she came to establish that distatse is important.

4) The introduction of her economic status comes straight from left field several rows deep in the cornstalks. Additonally you slam us with the implications of child-birth restrictions at the same time while you also You go from bashing the teacher immeadiately to Nula "recognizing" the value of her education. What else is she taught? Clearly this isn't a religious training school but what is it?

I need to know what about her education other than its existence that makes in worthwhile.

Maybe something like "other than this class" or "The other lessons taught at the school made" at the start of your second sentence.

[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited December 13, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

To get readers for a novel, drop over to Hatrack groups. You're unlikely to get novel readers in F&F (although if you do, great).

I'm mildly hooked. I do suggest that you not start with a quote that is confusing (to MC, and to us). Readers are suggestible; if you suggest something is confusing, they may confuse that with the story, and stop reading.

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

I'm very impressed by the quality of your writing. The paragraph needs to be broken up, but I suspect you've formatted it into one in order to squeeze as much out of your 13 line quota as possible!

I'm currently part of a Hatrack Group which is presently seeking new members. Hop on over to the 'Hatrack Groups' forum and click on the topic posted by mujarrah.

I'm sure I can speak for the rest of the group when I say that we would all be glad of have someone of your obvious writing ability onboard.

[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited December 13, 2005).]

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I agree with wbriggs. I wouldn't start with the quote. Put us in Nula's head and then tell us what she hears the magi say.