The genre is an epic science fiction meets the search for religion and indentity. I am currently around 2,000 words.
Anyways, here you go:
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"Shakespeare doesn't exactly apply right now, Lia." interrupted Carmaine. Tears began to well in his eyes, but he willed them away. He continued to gaze at the mess around him. Broken and shattered bodies, crumbled walls, palettes of blood. He then looked down at his own, shaking hands.
"Not in a literary mood?" the a.i. continued. "I know what you are thinking, and you are not incorrect in your wondering. You are a false, a sham, a mimicry of man you once wished to be. But do not loathe yourself, you vagrant heart, for that alone is a blurred, chaotic, and disarranged judgement. You are distinct, exclusive, singular, and uncommon. You are lionhearted and undaunted. You've taken up a thousand names; Gilgamesh... Kintaro... Beowulf... Treadway. The names and
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Taken out of context, I'm not sure if it is fully clear as to what is going on. Your thoughts? Intriguing at all?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 16, 2005).]
its not too bad.the non sequitor you begin the story with is really out of place. Opening with Dialogue is one thing but opening with dialogue that requires the reader to have heard the setup to get the punch line is bad.
Secondly the regretfull killer needs a intro.
I need know why he's sad about killing in general before i know he's sad about a killing in specific.
The imagery is rather blah too, give me more, I want to smell it not read about it.
My problem is confusion.
Carmaine sounds like a woman's name; but then he's referred to as "he." Then the AI continued, which seems to suggest he's an AI; but who's he talking to? If he's a machine, how can he cry? Somebody tells somebody he's only an imitation man, but it's not clear whether that means he's a robot, or a poor excuse for a human.
Where is he? There are bodies around, but is he in a house, a starship, a research facility?
What kind of sicko blathers on about literary quotes and heroism when an atrocity has just happened? (Or is it an atrocity? Did he commit the atrocity, or find it? Does he know these people. Or maybe it was an accident. Tell us!)
Why is whoever it is heroic?
Essentially we know nothing about what's happening except that there are dead people present -- and Carmaine knows. Tell us!
It wouldn't be too hard. We can still have the literary thrill AND know what's happening. I suggest we get the scoop, and THEN we can get the Shakespeare quote.
Also, you may be starting the story in the wrong place. Something exciting just happened. You could show us that, rather than starting with the aftermath; it might be more fun.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited December 16, 2005).]
Some good writing here, but I agree that as the opening it moves too quickly into a scene we do not understand.
I little more explanation is necessary before the detailed discourse gets thrown at the reader. A few words to set the context better will go a long way toward engaging the reader.
[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited December 16, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited December 16, 2005).]
Anyways, thanks again.
Just a note: Carmaine is a man. Private Eli Carmaine.
The name may sound slightly feminine, but I like it and seems to fit him.
Lia is the A.i.