Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Full Circle

This is topic Full Circle in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by tgeorge33 (Member # 3066) on :

A full novel I am working on now

“Death Waits in the Dark.” Isa read the words to himself as he studied the patch on the pilot’s jacket. Hardly a word had been spoken between the two since they took off in the sleek Little Bird. The MH-6 Little Bird didn’t appear very fearsome to the untrained observer. In fact, with its bubble nose front and small size, it didn’t look much different than the kind of helicopters used by air traffic reporters in the States. On top of that this Little Bird had been stripped of most of its weaponry to allow for a greater traveling distance. But after cruising at 175 miles per hour at ten feet above the desert sand it had accomplished its mission flawlessly. Now the time for action was very near. “Ok soldier,” barked the pilot, “we’ll be at the border in five clicks.” Isa nodded, reached

[This message has been edited by tgeorge33 (edited December 17, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 17, 2005).]

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

I think that this is a nice start, but (of course) have a few comments about where you might improve it.

Toward the end you use pilot and Captain interchangeably and this makes it more difficult to follow since these are brand new characters... for a second I thought the soldier was Captain Warren.

Also, you mention that the helicopter is cruising at 175 mph and 10 ft but then in the dialogue "...in five clicks" Klicks (actually with a k) is slang for kilometers and to keep a consistent POV I would not mix the measurements. Minor point.

The other thing that I missed is that the helicopter is described as not looking fearsome... but it "still accomplished its mission." I don't follow that. Maybe it didn't look stealthy or fast and still finished the mission, but unless there was some hostile action unknown to the reader I cannot put the two together.

OK, so much for the bad. The good is that it was interesting and well written. The hook at the end was enough to make me read on.

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

The main thing here should be the characters - not the vehicle they're traveling in! It's nice that you've done your research, but really, you don't have to share it with us!!

I want to get to know the characters, even if it's only some snappy dialog banter, here, in the first 13 lines.

Posted by MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero (Member # 3074) on :

What is "its mission"? Dont have to tell if ya dont want to but...they say curiosity killed the cat. I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!! Plus i prefer wolves anddogs over cats anyway. Oh well.

[This message has been edited by MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero (edited December 17, 2005).]