Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Last Stand (second verison)

This is topic The Last Stand (second verison) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :

Now that I'm finally home in VA here's my first 13.

The Last Stand
Matt Lust
approx 3500 words

Wallace hated Giving time. It had been fun when he was younger but the seven years as Keeper’s apprentice had changed him. Now the lights, decorations and songs all felt hollow. I don't like harvesting trees for Giving time, Wallace thought. Why can’t the Primacy find something else for the Lord Protector’s ritual?
Now that he was almost finished with his apprenticeship, Wallace did not share in the rest of the district’s giddy anticipation for the upcoming festivities. According to Primus Thomas, Giving time is a joyous celebration to honor of the Lord Protector's establishment of the Primacy. As in spite to his concern, the saw rasped loudly with each stroke. As the Austrian Pine began to crack and wobble from it weight,

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 22, 2005).]

Posted by BrianJKoch (Member # 2966) on :

The second paragraph seems disconnected from the first. Also your writing style is a rather passive. If you send me a copy of the story, I'll pick out a few examples to illustrate what I mean.

Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :

Oh i know i am a passive writer *shrug*

But i'll shoot my story out to you just the same.

Posted by rustafarianblackpolarbear (Member # 2638) on :

- Expositionwise, it reminds me of Tolkien, which I kind of found a little too passive, but it was still well written.

- Shouldn't Time in "Giving time" also be used with a captal?

"...As the Austrian Pine began to crack and wobble from it weight..." that's absolutely all that is said about this tree. Perhaps reword it as "The Austen Pine he had been sawing down began to crack and wobble from it[s] weight..."? Otherwise it just seems like a random tree is falling over why he thinks and then as it comes crashing down he doesn't even notice.

Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :

good point.

I'll make the revision now and post it later.