Im 20 and Im attempting my first novel. please critique.
I wake up but I don’t open my eyes. I lay where I am for a few minutes. I am cold and wet and it takes me a while to figure out where I am. My eyes open but its still too dark for me to see anything. I reach for my digital watch and click the illumination button. Its 4:16 am. By the light of my watch I can see that the hard ground I am lying on is soaked with the same dew that covers your car on an early morning. Thank god it’s only September.
My neck and back ache like hell and I know I wont be able to fall asleep again. I pick up the clothes I had been using as blanket and pillow and stuff them into my backpack. I stand up between the power generators that I am using for shelter and stretch. I walk over to the chain link fence separating the
[This message has been edited by illbethehero (edited January 02, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 02, 2006).]
Posted by NMgal (Member # 2769) on :
It's a cliche to start with somebody waking up. There is no action in the first two paragraphs. The interesting part begins in the third paragraph. The MC is young, homeless, and hungry. Why? What happened to him/her? This is where you should begin your story.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Note that you *can* start with someone waking up, but it's inadvisable w/o good reason. Same goes for first person, present tense.
MC realizes where he/she is, but he doesn't tell us! We're at the end of 13 lines and we still don't know what he knows about his situation. You can just tell us! (If you can't tell us, your readers, who can you tell? )
Posted by BrianJKoch (Member # 2966) on :
I can't deal with present tense novels. It's okay in screenplays though.
Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :
Hm. I find myself less interested in present tense novels. But that's just me -- I can't write present tense, so that might be why. But that's good that you can write present tense, I find it tough.
I wasn't really drawn in, there wasn't really a sufficient hook there for me. =/ That's really all I've got to say, so good luck with your story. ^-^
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
Please don't start your story with someone waking up. This is becoming such a peeve of mine. In medias res.
Posted by illbethehero (Member # 3105) on :
thank you for the advice. im considering completely deleting the first 3 paragraphs and continuing there. everyone that posted on this please review my new beginning on the post titled 'novel beginning 2'. thank you!
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