Hatrack River Writers Workshop: MEAT CODE

This is topic MEAT CODE in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by dante_the_damned (Member # 3107) on :

I’m post-call. Post as in after, or as in deceased. Call refers to the last thirty-two hours I’ve worked in the Pediatric ICU.

At seven pm yesterday I admitted a three-year-old gasping for air in the throes of asthma; at one am it was a skate punk who fractured his skull; at 4 am we got a twisted young woman with sickle cell anemia dying of pneumonia. In between I had to resuscitate a neonate in septic shock and code a leukemic patient.

The name tag on my coat says Dr. Yasuko Hiramatsu. I hate the name Yasuko. I prefer my nickname, Berlin.

I’m not a city in Germany. I’m Japanese, a little over five feet tall and a hundred pounds sopping wet. Under my lab coat I’m wearing a tie-die shirt, bell-bottom jeans and peace symbol

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 05, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

What genre, how many words, and what are you asking for?

Regarding first 13: not bad! I'd shorten the list of patients he's worked on tonight; and I'd take out the part about how little he weighs (he's unlikely to be thinking about this, and it doesn't seem to matter).

Oops: I just noted the name was Yasuko, so it's a woman. Most English-speaking readers wouldn't know that, I think. Some wouldn't, I'm sure.

Great title, too.

Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :

The thing that bugs me the most is that you go from all these really big, really important hospital cases, where people could very possibly die, to how the MC doesn't like his name. At the moment, we don't care if he prefers to be called Berlin and that wearing tie-dye is a rebellion. If anything, we want to hear about the patients he's taken in.

Speaking of that. At the beginning you make it seem like you're dealing with patients that have died, but in the second paragraph they seem very much alive. If you're going to say you work with the deceased, at least say the patients are dead.

Other than that, it wasn't bad.

Posted by Zodiaxe (Member # 3106) on :

I'd reverse it all. I'd make the third and fourth paragraphs the opening and then follw with the first and second.

In other words...

"The name tag on my coat says Dr. Yasuko Hiramatsu. I hate the name Yasuko. I prefer my nickname, Berlin.

I’m not a city in Germany. I’m Japanese, a little over five feet tall and a hundred pounds sopping wet. Under my lab coat I’m wearing a tie-die shirt, bell-bottom jeans and peace symbol around my neck. Right now it’s all the rebellion I can manage."

From there I would bring in the first two paragraphs. But that's just me. It makes it more interesting a read for me.

Peace,
Scott

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

I thought that this was a very disjointed beginning and have no idea what the focus is.

In the first sentence you state that the MC works in the ICU. But then you list all the patients who have come to the hospital -- to the emergency room, which is obviously not the ICU.
So which is it?
Does the MC tend to patients already admitted ? I'm confused.

I agree that the weight mention is not good, but saying "I'm not a city in Germany" is worse. Would someonse actually say this? It's possible I suppose... but completely took me out of the story.
Instead of starting the physical description (which can be bad in first person) show us.

If this is reworked it could be a great opening, but I think right now it has some serious flaws and you'll need to be very careful with the MC's tone.

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

Some minor nits:

Why would we worry about whether he's a German city when we already know Berlin is a nickname, and we can derive his ethinicity from his real name? Unless the ethnicity of the character differs significantly from that of the name, there's no reason to mention it.

And the proper spelling is "tie-dye."

But I like the pace of the opening paragraph, and the way you convey the weariness of the character.

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

I liked it. Great opening.

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

I liked it, but I would like the "am"'s to be capitalized or initialed because I kept getting stuck on them being am's, not a.m.'s.

Note: Japanese names rock.