There have only been two times in my existence where I have truly been afraid for my life. The first was maybe a year ago when me and Brent and Sean were driving in my car late one night through some canyons outside of town with the music blasting loud enough so we had to yell to hear ourselves and each other sing. I had the pedal pushed down hard and we were flying through the turns with an abandon that came only on nights like that, where the music seemed to be written specifically for us and teenage spirit told us that we were invincible. Bushes and guardrails and telephone poles and yellow lines streaked by so fast that if you just stared to the left or right the world was nothing more than a Van Ghoh painting out of focus. The air was cold but the windows were
I know this doesnt really lead anywhere into the story, the second fear is what does that
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 15, 2006).]
Posted by duckboyone (Member # 3141) on :
I like it! Great first sentence, and I think most of us can identify with the description of his first experience. I like the feel of the language.
If I had a problem with it, I think it would be that ofter the first line when the narrator refers to his "existence", it made me assume that he had been around a while, but then he says that he was a teenager only a year ago. That's nitpicky, though.
I am intrigued as to what the second fear is.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
If the first fear is irrelevant to the story, I'd skip it.
Although it certainly was cool.
Posted by Worlds (Member # 2221) on :
It doesn't lead into the story, but it does lead into the next fear which does lead into the story. Why did some of my kines get cut off?
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Because there was more than 13 lines in manuscript format (12-point courier font), and 13 lines is the limit.
Posted by Worlds (Member # 2221) on :
ah sorry, i must have counted wrong
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Agree with the above post WBRIGGS, why tell us in such detail about the first fear unless it mean something to the story. BTW how long is the story?
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
Nit: It's "Van Gogh".
If the details don't contribute to the story but the event itself is important, shorten it up to one line: "The first was maybe a year ago when some of my buddies and I were speeding through some canyons late one night and nearly turned my car into an airplane." Or something like that. Then move on to the next time.
But I agree with Will: I liked the imagery.
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
The only thing I didn't like was this...
quote:and teenage spirit told us that we were invincible.
Way too dead-on.
Everything else I enjoyed.
Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :
Maybe we haven't reached that yet, but in the first fear, he doesn't seem at all scared fo his life.
Posted by RedSakana (Member # 3127) on :
I really like the first sentence, but I agree with some of the other posters that it doesn't work as well if the first fear-for-life isn't relevant to the rest of the story...
Is there a way that you could make BOTH instances of fear relevant to the story rather than just one?