Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Adam's Landing

This is topic Adam's Landing in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Tanglier (Member # 1313) on :

Chapter 3

quote:
In 1989, a San Francisco Bay Area earthquake made national news by forestalling game two of the World Series. A less publicized consequence of this shaking earth was a ripple in the housing market, and the softened prices allowed the two Lee family factions to sally forth from their respective apartments and buy houses. The plenary Lee holdings then included five children, four parents, three convenience stores, and two new houses within a four block radius in Richmond, California. The houses were on different streets, Asford St. and Maple St. The Asford St. Lee's were comprised of children, Jennifer and David, and parents Seung and Moon, and the Maple St. Lees contained three children: Shubert, Vivian, and Doris, and parents Bae and Jin.

Chapter 4

quote:
Claymore's degradation began when he stopped hurdling. Degradation is a loaded term, and while all of the witnesses and Claymore himself considered it degradation, in the long view of history, a sympathetic auditor could reasonably call Claymore's ordeal a painful transformation. Claymore’s father, Derrick, blamed Claymore's fall on biology, weak genetics expressed through his mother’s line. Two of Sarah’s brothers had entered college of sound mind and left school with pronounced schizophrenia, leading Sarah to scrutinize Claymore's every behavior upon her son's first visits home from college.

I'm cruising along at a good clip, and I wonder if someone wouldn't mind reading the first three chapters. Or at least give feedback on these snippets.

Note from Kathleen:

It's okay to post 13 lines per chapter, especially if the chapters are long (like short stories), but there should still only be 13 lines per chapter. We're talking about Fair Use limits here.

Note from Tanglier:

I'm working on degraded word processing program and I'm not quite knowledgeable enough to discern 13 lines. Sorry for the inconvenience.

[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited January 18, 2006).]

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

what is your total length in words?

[This message has been edited by pantros (edited January 18, 2006).]

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Reads like a textbook.

If this is a textbook, this is a good thing. Otherwise...

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

I'll second that. Sure hope this isn't fiction because if it is I wouldn't have even read that much.

Nothing of interest there to me at all.

Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :

Too much detail Tanglier, too much...not enough character I'm afraid. Maybe you chose the wrong snippets to tempt us with?
Try again...
Best Wishes
John Mc...

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

It's all summary and no action. It's much harder to sell such things because we're not emotionally tied to the character(s).

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

I agree with everyone so far and would like to add that I enjoyed chapter 4's fragment much more than chapter 3's because of your focus on the characters.

Still, too much summary. Let the story stretch its legs.

Posted by Tanglier (Member # 1313) on :

I've been thinking, and you all are right. The scope of the story is large enough such that me telling it straight can be interesting, but I think I can also weave all of this information more closely into a personal narrative.

Here is what I'm going to do, finish writing the book as it comes, then do a massive rewrite.

[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited January 29, 2006).]