The cab driver opened the door for Alice Jameson, helping her to her feet, and then to get her hands on her walker. She hunted in her purse for a moment, then found a wrinkled twenty and paid the driver, holding it out with a shaky hand and telling him to keep any change. He said something, but Alice wasn’t paying him any attention. She was still thinking about Harold. Not an hour ago, she was in the cemetery placing a fresh arrangement of flowers next to his headstone. It was hard to believe; five years already. It seemed like only yesterday that she was looking at him across the table, those brown eyes as handsome as the day they met. On that night, she could see through the wrinkles that Harold...
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
For me -- opinion, mind you
The 1st paragraph is okay. It's not really a great hook but it is short and does paint a clear picture of Alice.
The second paragraph, however, is so (I hate to say "trite" ... maybe common? Overused?) bland that it doesn't do a thing for me. I would like some hint of specialness by then. Something more than social fiction material.
But, again, that is just me.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
The fact that you're verging into flashback in the second paragraph should scare you here. It should be enough to say something like "but he's dead now," unless the events in the cemetary have some effect on the story.
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
Honestly it doesn't hook me. A summary of the opening is basically "Alice thought about her dead husband after visiting his grave" and this doesn't really pique my interest personally. I'll have to agree that the second paragraph is a bit of a cliche.
As far as the writing, the only problems I see are maybe a few unnecessary commas and the first sentence needs a parallel structure. It reads rough. Either use opened, helped and got or opened, helping and getting.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
I got stuck on the first sentence because the grammar isn't quite right: "The cab driver opened the door for Alice Jameson, helping her to her feet, and then to get her hands on her walker." It would sound better if all the verbs were in past tense, ie "The cab driver opened the door for Alice Jameson, helped her to her feet, and then guided her hands to the walker," or the last two clauses were combined, ie "The cab driver opened the door for Alice Jameson, helping her first to get to her feet and then to take a firm grip on her walker."
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
I have to agree with LMermaid: that first sentence made me stop and it took a bit to get me to move on. That's easy to fix.
The feeling of hurtling toward a flashback, though, turned me off, I'm afraid.
My impressions.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Ditto the statements above but add, 'Arodnap' was a bit too 'cute' for me.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
Thanks, all. Back to the drawing board with this one.
Posted by shevivya (Member # 3185) on :
I felt the first sentence was a bit clumsy and the last sentence started sounding weird about "seeing through Harold's wrinkles." It was interesting, but probably not an opening that would get me to continue reading. I liked the description of the main character and the wrinkled twenty. That was well done.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
Thanks. The beginning was completely revised and the story mailed to F&SF under the name Blast from the Past.
Here is how the first 13 look in the final draft:
The cab driver opened the door for Alice Jameson, helping her to her feet, then to her walker. She hunted in her purse for a moment, then found a wrinkled twenty and paid the driver, holding it out with a shaky hand and telling him to keep any change. He said something, but Alice wasn’t paying him any attention. She was still thinking about Harold.
The cab driver tapped her on the arm. "Ma'am?" His Indian accent made it sound more like 'mom.'
Alice turned her head toward him. "Did you say something?"
"You forgot your box, Ma'am."
Box? "I didn't bring a box with me," Alice said.
Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :
Hi Spaceman,
The flashback in the second paragraph is fine with me. There is no way for me to tell whether I will be hooked into the story. The 13-line rule is far too short for my tastes. Give me a synopsis and then the first page. That is what I do when I in Barnes and Noble - and I read the reviews if there are any.
The second paragraph is familiar. I will not say it is good or bad. I need a bigger context.
If you are interested, send me a one-page synopsis and the first page. I will be happy to critique.
PMoore trine2045@yahoo.com
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Spaceman, I like your second version. Clean, clear, concrete, and it brings us into mystery.
Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
I like it better too. I got hung up in the first version on the first sentence. The second still painted me a picture and told me what was going on.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
PMoore: Thanks for the offer. I consider the piece finished and have moved on to another project.