This is my first post here. Let's see how it goes. It's a macabre fantany. I have two questions. First, would you keep reading? Second, does it bother you that there's no speculative element in the story yet?
quote: "What's that, Daddy?"
"It looks like a walking trail," Bill said. He remembered reading in the paper they were building one behind the new development.
Joey stepped on the scooter's break and stopped in front of the trail.
"It looks really cool," Joey said. "Can we explore it?"
"No. We don't have time."
"Oh, come on, Daddy. Just for a little bit?
Bill opened his mouth, then closed it. And sighed. The walk was to be a time of bonding. Things had been bad between Bill and his son for a few days. It was Bill's fault, of course, and he knew it; five-year-olds are culpable for nothing. Every New Year
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 20, 2006).]
Posted by RedSakana (Member # 3127) on :
This one just didn't grab me. I think the first line is great, but then nothing really happens after that to pull me in. I like stories that start right in the thick of the action if possible.
The fact that it isn't speculative right from the get go isn't necessarily a deal-killer for me.
I'm new so I don't know how helpful my comments are. I'd suggest reading a bunch of the other first 13 lines that are posted (and the feedback) to see what other people are doing. I've found that to be very educational.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
I don't mind that you haven't introduced a speculative element in the opening sentences.
I enjoyed the opening, but I'm not hooked. Also, that last paragraph confused me. At first, I thought the tension between Bill and Joey was recent and superficial. But then you state that "Every New Year dug deep into Bill" which makes me think that the problem goes much deeper than I was told at the beginning of the paragraph. Perhaps if there was more information in that paragraph... just a guess.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
This opening is simply mundane. My first reaction is, so what? Give me more of a reason why they are interested in exploring this particular trail. What's supposed to be back there? I s there an old mine? Is there a haunted mountain? Here, I would stop reading, just like if I saw an SUV parked at a trailhead, and a father with his boys standing there looking at the trail, I would not stop to say hello. I would keep driving past the trailhead.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Hey Karloff, Look I will tentatively agree with the above posts. I found the explanation of the difficulties hard to deal with. I think I needed to see a little more tension. BUT when I got to the last paragraph I thought: 'Holy smoke -- that's me!" All the MCs actions, the sigh, the way you described him, I immediately identified with it... I bet he even looks like me. ( Unless he's a bad-guy then he'll probably look like pantros -- Heh heh, he's gonna get me now.)
You did something right in that paragraph, you made it work and I like it and despite some of the other stuff I would have read on because I liked him.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 19, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 19, 2006).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm hooked by the conflict.
Posted by Clove (Member # 3125) on :
I don't believe that a child (I don't know how old the boy is) would ask to "explore" the trail. Using a childlike description might work, and would sound better. Also, it might help to describe the sound of the scooter as the brakes are pressed.
Posted by shevivya (Member # 3185) on :
It was okay, but did not grip me. Maybe if you have them already on the trail and something weird happens that would get me. As it stands now my mind was already wandering for these few lines, but maybe that's just me.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
It works. The guy has issues with his son that hook me. I don't minding waiting for the speculative.
-- Heh heh, he's gonna get me now.)