I wrote a story a while ago called Over the Transom (historical fiction, currently abt. 1700 words). Since its initial inception, I've only let one person look at it. He was very helpful, though I didn't institute all the changes he suggested.

I've since found a couple of markets that might be interested in it. However, in re-reading it for editing purposes, I don't feel comfortable with a couple of changes I've made to the story's plot (one of which was pointed out by the aforementioned reviewer).

Therefore, I would like comments on plot only -- unless I've left in a hideous phrase or three. In return, I will critique two stories from each of the people commenting on Over the Transom (for those of you who remember me... no, I don't have time, but I'll make the time).

I'll post the first thirteen lines because I'm feeling a bit nostalgic... I miss Hatrack. (Feel free to shred the first thirteen as well.)

Thank you.

***

Betty took off her shoes at the corner and picked up her paperclipped manuscript. Her first submission. Her baby. She walked down the corridor, so nervous she was glad ladies wore gloves: it made sure her sweaty palms didn't touch the manuscript.

"Please don't open the door," she breathed, afraid her father, who worked in the office just a few doors down, might open the door and catch her here. Or, that Mr. Johnson, editor of Amazing Tales, would open the door and she would have to introduce herself and he knew her father and she would have to explain about her father and writing and "Please don't open the door," she breathed.

Her father wouldn't understand.

[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited January 19, 2006).]
 

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 19, 2006).]
 

Did this originate from the flash challenge on transoms?
 

[excuse me... must deflate my ego now...]

I know you two have declined but if you ever want to take advantage of my offer in the future, feel free.
 

If you need one more, send it my way. Like yanos, I'm going to have some spare time this weekend.
 

No need to reciprocate.

So good to see you again, Keeley.
 

No, Spaceman, you weren't too harsh. I was really hoping I could keep this one down to a short story. That's why I didn't follow up on some of the things you mentioned. However, even as I was editing I was creating more "chapters" in my head, taking these characters through years worth of events.

So far, I haven't had a single short story that didn't end up as a potential novel... novella at best (and only one has stayed a novella). I'm really, really hoping I can keep this one short... we'll see after I get the rest of the critiques.

If I start actively writing again, I'm not writing any more shorts. I can't think "short".

I would also like to apologize to everyone for the incorrect word count. I didn't think my editing had changed it that much.

[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited January 21, 2006).]
 

quote:

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I can't think "short"

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Give yourself more credit. You allowed a mere 1500 words to get your message across. You could easily triple the word count and still have a short story with only 4500 words. You'll be amazed how much information you can fit into a small package. The thing is, it takes practice.

What I would suggest is this: Take it as a challenge upon yourself to fix this story and fix it while keeping the word count under 6000 words. This doesn't need to be flash. Even those of us published are still at a stage where these kinds of exercises are a good use of effort. I just wrote a 4000 word story that was largely an exercise in characterization. Characterization is difficult for me in a short story, but I'm determined to get this right. It will be that much easier next time.

I have a friend whom I won't name, but has a Hugo and a Nebula. He challenges himself all the time, and largely for the exercise and learning experience. Two novels in e-prime, experimental formats, and so forth.

Don't take this as a message that you can't do it. Take it as a message that you can't tell this story in 1500 words. Even as a minimalist, I would have trouble cramming this into a format under 2000 words, but give yourself 6000 and I think you'll be amazed at how much information you can pack into the other 4500 words of elbow room.
 

Hope it helps.

 

Spaceman, that's a good suggestion. I'll try outlining some possibilities and see what I can come up with.

(Yes... I've started outlining short stories now. I think I've been converted. )
 

First, everyone so far has agreed that, although it's not a bad story, there's no real conflict or tension. Some have suggested upping the stakes: I think I can do that. I've added the editor's POV in an attempt to solve some believability issues. It lengthens the story, but more importantly, enables me to add some twists and turns so that Betty's fear of discovery isn't the only problem she has to deal with.

Hopefully, all these things will create a better story. And I think it may still come out of this as a short story... though I get the feeling it's going to turn into a novel eventually.

And that may not be a bad thing the more I think about it.