Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Trade For Peace

This is topic A Trade For Peace in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001680

Posted by Racoon (Member # 3152) on :

Hey, I'm writing a novel, thanks to the inspiration from the Ender's Saga!

Tell me what you guys think, the title is called A Trade For Peace and this is just an excerpt.

I busted through the door and was surprised to find myself being lunged at by a knife, nearly slicing into my neck, I responded to this threat by kicking my attacker directly in the groin and punched him as hard as I could, I could hear every knuckle of my tightly clenched fist crack. I then resumed with my mission and looked for these so-called “important documents” which were supposed to be in a combination safe, according to the poorly put together mission briefing. I swear, the higher-ranking officers got stupider the more authority they had. It was even worse, for my squad, who was just now catching up to me or at least I hoped so, as I had heard uneven footsteps noises approaching my current position. I slammed the office’s door as fast as I could with the very same leg that had just pummeled

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 20, 2006).]

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

Doesn't hook me.

I think it's because in first-person I expect to see more thoughts, less action. I would be more forgiving of a lack of information in third-person because people's thoughts and motives are often shown through their actions.

That's my analysis anyway.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

You're trying to give us the info as it's needed--which is a great goal; but the most crucial information--why MC is doing this--isn't something you could sneak in. Other bits come later than I would like. We know he's looking for documents AFTER he arrives. We assume the attacker is out when he turns to the documents; not known. We find out later that the attacker is Chinese.

Just tell us up front: "MC, a CIA covert operative, was infiltrating a Chinese army base, looking for the secret plans to the Omega Weapon." Or whatever it is.

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

I got stuck on the first sentence because of some comma errors (I find it really hard to ignore grammar/punctuation errors when I'm reading).

All of the commas in this first sentence should be something else: "I busted through the door and was surprised to find myself being lunged at by a knife, nearly slicing into my neck, I responded to this threat by kicking my attacker directly in the groin and punched him as hard as I could, I could hear every knuckle of my tightly clenched fist crack."

Here's one way to fix them: "I busted through the door and was surprised to find myself being lunged at by a knife nearly slicing into my neck. I responded to this threat by kicking my attacker directly in the groin and punched him as hard as I could; I could hear every knuckle of my tightly-clenched fist crack."

There was some wording awkwardness in this sentence, too. "Punched" should be "punching" to match the verb tense of "kicking," and the opening might be better if it was "...and was surprised to find a man with a knife lunging toward my throat." Or something.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Am I the only one having a problem with the word "busted"? I should think it would be "I burst through the door..."

You said this is an excerpt. It would help me to gauge where this excerpt falls in the story. I am assuming it's not your opener... it seems like it's a mid-chapter bit. I wouldn't like this as an opener.

I'm also not your reader-demographic as I abhore blow-by-blow fight scenes. I don't need to know the exact details of the fight. I find it boring. Tell me the emotional state the fighters are in, then you'll have my interest.

Posted by Racoon (Member # 3152) on :

Sorry dude, that was my opener. I have had much better one's but this excerpt is just a rough draft...I really have to think of some backstories to include, more MC thought too. The plot of the story is basically is this: MC is a solider, then becomes a highly regarded politician, but kind of crushing under all the pressure, causing some insanity or something.

Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :

Hi Racoon,

You are conveying action immediately, but without context for the violence and brutality of the action, the introduction is disorienting. A pet peeve - I don't like the word "stupider."

Other than this, I think the initial description of action is excellent. The conjunction "I then" is out of context, though. The protagonist is a man of action in the first sentence, but then becomes thoughtful and deliberative - it doesn't work well for me.

I would recommend finding a way to convey the context for the man's actions, and then feel free to let him loose to do what needs to be done.

Finally, I have the most difficulty of all with the 13-line rule. If I could read a little more of your story I would probably find that context that I am looking for. I think it is next to impossible to establish a firm frame of reference in just 13 lines.

Good luck with this adventure! I will be happy to provide a critique of a longer segment of your story.

Pax,

PMoore

Posted by shevivya (Member # 3185) on :

"uneven footsteps noises" I think there is a problem here.

The action description is good but your execution needs to be polished up a little more.

I would be more hooked if I knew something about the setting and the character's feelings.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

It's too...distant. I know it comes with first person, but still...he is doing something that should get his adrenaline pumping, not to mention his worldview to become somewhat reduced, and he is talking as though he was at a cocktail party. Hard to believe.
And he definitely does not have the right to think afterwards of what he is doing here.
You could consider opening a little earlier, before the door bursts.