Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Deltron Experiment

This is topic Deltron Experiment in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by dreadlord (Member # 2913) on :

I've tried this with the Academy, so maybe this will work to.

The humans have relocated to a planet that the people call "Avallon" after the Aurthurian afterlife, but the planet is populated by a species called the Tourock, a visious, brutal, but inteligent, Lizard race bent on ridding Avallon of the outsiders. then, communications with Earth ceace, with one last garbled message. without Earth, Humans resort to Mideival age tech, wich give the Tourock a huge advantage. the humans eventually adopted Tourockian language and re-name the planet Deltron.
M.C.= Nilrem, hero and protagonist. Racknorog, prince of the Tourockian tribes.
Gen. Oomsday-advisor to Racknorog

Posted by FacePlant (Member # 3147) on :

Hi

This is my first critique so take it with a gain of salt. The opening comes across a bit like the description on the back of a book. I think it is important to show the scene as opposed to telling it. You might want to start with the protagonist or perhaps the people back on Earth who receive the last message. I am also not sure what the Arthurian afterlife is.

I hope this helps.

FacePlant

Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :

I'll assume that was a synopsis, not the opening, dreadlord.

It sounds a little like run-of-the-mill sf to me, but that's not necessarily bad. You can make any story good if you write it well.

One thing to consider: Deltron is also the name of a rapper (also known as Del the Funky Homosapien). He's not megafamous, but enough people know him that a lot people would make the association.

Posted by Inkwell (Member # 1944) on :

^^^
Agreed.

As it stands I cannot (personally) consider this a functional intro, simply because it does not possess a structure that allows the reader to 'enter' your story. While the concept may be interesting (depending on where you go with it), this is not an ideal place to start telling the tale.

However, you could rewrite it...from a particular character's POV, feeding the reader some (though perhaps not all) of this information in the form of exposition.

Inkwell
------------------
"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

I think you'll be taken far more seriously if you do 2 things:
1) check your spelling.
2) tell people want you want them to look at and why.

Posted by dreadlord (Member # 2913) on :

O.K, this is a synopsis, not an intro.

the story starts a few years after earth loses communications. just FYI, Earth is GONE!! bye-bye, see ya later!

another thing, Arthurian legend is stuff like, I dont know, Lancelot, Mordred, the Holy Grail, stuff like that. Avalon is the Afterlife.

i did a search for the Deltron thing when I first wrote the plot. nothing. you sure about that?

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

I got all that, and yes check your spelling. It sounds like Sci- fi fantasy to me in that I enivision a little DnD.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

[Start Critique]

To be taken seriously in any kind of creative craftsmanship, you must learn to use your tools with skill. A writer's tools are spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

Avallon = city in France
Avalon = part of the King Arthur legend
Aurthurian = should be Arthurian
visious = should be spelled vicious
inteligent = should be spelled intelligent
ridding = should be spelled riding
ceace = should be spelled cease
Mideival = should be spelled Medieval
wich = should be spelled which

Out of 92 words in your post, nine are spelled or used incorrectly. That's nearly 10% of the total. You are missing capital letters at the beginning of sentences. Unless the species name for the lizard race IS "Lizard Race" you shouldn't capitalize the "L" in lizard... capitals should be used for proper nouns.

I am pointing all this out in the spirit of good intention. I just want to make you aware of what the rest of us see. Just as a boring and cliche-filled plot is a turn-off to the reader, so is poor spelling. It stops the reader dead in their tracks and they become an editor, not a reader.

I realize it's not completely fair to gripe about spelling here on Hatrack, simply because there is no spell checker in our little "message reply" screen.

But when you have a weak spot in your writing, it's useful to focus on improving that area. It doesn't take long to start memorizing some of these words. I know the word Medieval was a real pain for me to memorize.

Yanos is right... take your own writing seriously by crafting each and every word with care, and you'll find others take you seriously as well.

[/End Critique]

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited January 30, 2006).]

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

If I post something here to be specifically critiqued, even though everything is whether I want it to be or not, I make sure I type it in MSWord. It will spellcheck most common words for me. Then I run spellcheck and copy and paste here. Now I'm paranoid. Man this place makes you grow tough skin.

But getting back to the point,I like the idea you presented.

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

Actually this place is mild compared to some other places who would have hacked this one to shreds by now.

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

Well I'm just getting my feet wet.

Posted by shevivya (Member # 3185) on :

If your weakness is spelling and punctuation, get a book from the library on this and practice. Don't rely on spellcheckers entirely, but that would help too. If you're not sure of a word spelling, look it up. That's how you can correct your errors permanently. That worked for me.

As for your idea, it's interesting enough. Now that you have a synopsis, start writing.