He lay there for hours until a soft hiss moved him forward.
He was floating now and had no physical form as far as he could tell.
For a few seconds he felt crushed on all sides, popped into an agonizingly small space and stopped moving.
He smelled a familiar odor, like a lit match. It was then he remembered what had happened at the club the night before Halloween.
This story is finished (2300 words) probably rated PG or PG-13 for one soft violent scene and one off color joke.
I would appreciate any and all feedback about the opening and I'm hoping someone out there is interested in reading further.
-I don't know what is going on. As Ray said, the most interesting part may be the night before Halloween. It could also be the part before he faints.
-second, for most of the story I have no idea of what's happening. I don't know whether this is speculative, but if it is, it's dangerous to use metaphors like "he had no physical form as far as he could tell". It could, after all, be true.
Why does he feel crushed on all sides?
-name the character. It helps me give him an identity.
-four, and this is more a nit: "he lay there for hours" is a POV violation. He cannot know he has lain there for hours; he is unconcious during that time.
Yes, this is speculative fiction. You're right about the opening, my sister pointed this out to me too. I need to start at the club scene and that will work better. I will be revising this today. Thanks.