Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Spirit of the Glass opening

This is topic Spirit of the Glass opening - first revision what do you think? in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by shevivya (Member # 3185) on :

This is a speculative story of 2300 words. As Ray and Silver pointed out my first post was rather weak. I want to learn. That's why I'm here. Okay guys, is this any better and does it make you want to read more?

“Hey, kid. Stock the bar with ice,” the boss said. “Then assign two doormen to guard every entrance. We don’t want no trouble tonight.”

Tony did as he was told. He didn’t want to lose his chance to impress the boss and maybe get a promotion. Everything was fine until around midnight when there was a commotion at a side door.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

My only problem: I don't know why the entrances need guarding. Otherwise, I'm ready to read on.

Posted by Clove (Member # 3125) on :

.

[This message has been edited by Clove (edited December 18, 2009).]

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

The first thing that stopped me was the incongruity of someone low level enough to be ordered to stock the bar with ice (basic menial job) being given the power to “assign” guards to entrances (a higher level of job with some power over others entailed).

It would seem more like the stocker of ice might be ordered to tell the guards at the doors something (which would be a very story-interesting detail) and then the added bit about not wanting trouble would work fine.

The second paragraph doesn’t work because the second sentence is too long and involved. A shorter, more specific reason might work better.

Tony did as he was told. Ummm…you know, I don’t know that you even need that second sentence. You could work the idea into the first one and not slow the story down.

Tony jumped to it, hoping to impress his (new? ___ ?)boss. Everything was fine….

This is just my opinion, of course.

Posted by KevinMac (Member # 3145) on :

On second look, I see that the grammar (or lack of it) used in the dialogue is not consistent enough for me to fully believe; I don't think that a guy who says, "We don't want no trouble tonight" would say his previous sentence, "Then assign two doormen to guard every entrance."

The first sentence seems overly descriptive and too grammatically correct for me to believe that this boss actually said it. It sounds more like the author is trying to tell you what this guy MEANS rather than actually says. I would imagine if Tony had worked there for a while, then the phrase might be "I want two guys for every door." If he were new, I imagine it would be phrased more like "Then pick two guys from the list of doormen to cover each door."

I think that you can afford to be a bit less descriptive in the phrase, what with the "we don't want no trouble" bit. That implies that there is some level of guarding going on. Then we ask ourselves to what level (are they bouncers or armed guards) and why does this place need protection? Hence we read on.

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

I'll second arriki's motion. To me it would sound better if the boss said something along the lines of, "Tell the doormen I want two of them at every entrance."

The last line would keep me reading for a bit.

Posted by shevivya (Member # 3185) on :

Thank you everyone. I think you are all correct in your observations.