St. Louis, Missouri the night before Halloween. Ice cold by anyone’s standards. Normally, Tony Linquito would have been drinking a shot of whiskey at the bar, but Nino Romero, leader of the notorious Palermo gang had just hired him. This was his first night at the Flamenco Club. A very important night.
Cold made Tony uncomfortable. It aggravated his old knee injury. Long hours from playing soccer in high school had damaged it. He was muscular as an athlete and almost as confident as one in his demeanor.
“I hope this isn’t a false alarm, Frankie,” he said, his voice a bit cocky and clipped. “I heard you put too much security on the floor last week.”
He was muscular as an athlete and almost as confident as one in his demeanor.
What does this mean?
I'm getting the feeling of mob story, in thought and sound, the way the words flow. Is that correct?
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited January 29, 2006).]
These are my opinions take them if they are helpful.
Phil
The second paragraph – to my mind – doesn’t fit in at all. Is it cold in the bar? What triggered this subject? And, yeah, I know you’re trying to describe the pov without being obvious, but it is awkward and it just doesn’t work, for me. It doesn’t seem to follow that first paragraph.
I think you might want to tell us who he is addressing there in the third paragraph. “…he said to the bartender” Leave out the cocky and clipped. Let his own words convey the impression.
Scrap the whole second paragraph, or put it somewhere else. You do not have to describe Tony’s knee right here. Have him limp, or catch on it when he next moves. But here it is an intrusion. In my opinion.
"Ice-cold" for "Ice cold." I initially read this as parallel with the previous sentence. St. Louis is on the night before Halloween; ice is cold by anyone's standards. Well, of course ice is cold! The - makes it clear this is a description of night.
"the notorious Palermo gang had just hired him": a comma makes it clear that Romero did the hiring and Palermo gang is his membership.
"This was his first night": whose? Tony's, or Romero's?
I didn't have any trouble understanding the athlete comment, but it did make it clear that we aren't in Tony's POV. (He's not going to be sitting in a bar thinking about how he's nearly muscular as an athlete.) But whose POV are we in? There's no one else around.
With those clarifications, we still have one other important problem, also easily fixed: Tony knows why it's "a very important night," but we don't. Tell us!
St. Louis, Missouri[,] the night before Halloween. Ice[-]cold by anyone’s standards. Normally, Tony Linquito would have been drinking a shot of whiskey at the bar, but Nino Romero, leader of the notorious Palermo gang[,] had just hired him. This was [Tony's] first night at the Flamenco Club. A very important night.
...
The last paragraph takes the first and runs with it, which is good. I would take the second one out completely.