It has gone on too long, my friend Thaddeus. Far too long. The cycles that have passed since this began are without number. The damages done by this are beyond repair. There is no way to make recompense with those who have suffered by it. It has gone on too long. That is why I am going, Thaddeus. I am taking leave on a journey, a pilgrimage, even. I don't believe we will be seeing each other again, and if we do, it will be in a time that is not so shrouded in darkness. Thaddeus, farewell, my friend. May the light of the Almighty find you -- find us all -- someday. I am going Thaddeus, and I will bring us out of this darkness. Sincerely, your associate and your dearest friend, --Wallace
Posted by jib (Member # 3196) on :
It shrouds what the world is like in a dark cloak, it leads me to want to read on to find out what has happened to the world, and who started it, perhaps wallace and thaddeus, or they know the cause of it
Posted by pdm_joker (Member # 3187) on :
Yes, very intriguing!
Phil
Posted by Tragic3 (Member # 3072) on :
Good start my friend. I'm intrigued! Is this the story you showed me recently?
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
Intrigued, but not necessarily in a good way. It sounds as though the writer of the letter is deliberately hiding information from me, the reader (the "this in particular is annoying: "this began"; "the damage done by this" comes to mind as something that would warrant a little something more: "this disaster", whatever).
I'm more confused and annoyed than hooked.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
See threads in Open Discussions on "Keeping secrets from the reader" and "Just tell me." I wouldn't read this. It's annoying to put the effort into reading something and still not find out what's going on.
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
I would do one of two things:
1) Drop everything prior to "I am taking leave on a journey...". Then give us Thaddeus' reaction to it, which should include some clue as to why Wallace feels the need to go,
or
2) Clarify what "this" is. You don't need to give us every last detail, just enough to hang our hats on. Is Wallace going to repel the Martian invasion? Defeat the Dark Lord? Blow up the supercomputer mastermind that's taken over the world? Do battle with the heathen?
Posted by Dethfoot (Member # 3195) on :
thank you all for the feedback! I will keep everything you have suggested in mind as I make some touch-ups and work on the rest of it