At the moment, I'm only looking for feedback on the first 13 lines. Does it hook you? The bulk of the story is a collection of letters, would you read the letters based on this 13 line intro?
* * *
Four letters. Years of raiding the post office had yielded nothing but the mundane drivel of children, but these. . .your hands tremble as you pour two fingers of single malt scotch into a tumbler.
Your heart pounds in anticipation as you return to your study. The letters are a sharp contrast to your desk, white paper on dark mahogany. Across the room, embers glow in the fireplace. How did the fire to burn out so quickly? But that doesn’t matter, not while the letters are waiting.
You sink into your leather armchair and sip your scotch. The amber liquid burns your throat and sends tendrils of warmth outward from your core. You are alone, safe in your study. At long last, you begin to read.
If you want to use that PoV, try doing something more general, like somone walking down the street, or watching t.v. Something pretty much everyone does. I mean, I know everyone reads letters, but is the majority of letters everyone gets from little children?
The reason I ask is that 2nd person CAN be done but is most effective when used very sparingly. If the entire piece is in 2nd, you'll have a hard time getting it published. If just little connecting bits between letters are, or just the frame, you might be able to get away with it.
I personally don't mind 2nd person, but lots of people hate it.
Anyway as far as the text goes this is decent, though the second sentence is a little awkward. I like all the others, but I'd work on that bit.
You say "Years of raiding the post office had yielded nothing but the mundane drivel of children, but these . . ." This is confusing. So did the letters come from raiding the post office? If so, then you didn't just get 'nothing' you got these 4. Maybe word it a little differently to make your point clearer.
I might start with
"Dear Santa," I read as my hands trembled. Four long years I raided the Post Office.
IMHO.
Literary mags might be more forgiving, so it depends on who your audience is.
quote:
He was really, really excited. Totally excited, in fact. He couldn't wait. Nothing was more important.As the rain fell, and commuters dashed to their cars, or trudged through the drizzle with the aid of umbrellas . . . he kept thinking how excited he was. A car drove by, an old Pontiac with rust peeking out from the paint. Somewhere, in the distance, a dog barked. (Description of irrelevant events continues for 3 pages.)
What is wrong with this text?
It's that we're getting emotions without knowing their basis, so we can't share them. Why is he excited? ... and then, we get details of the world, when what we really want to know is: what's the fuss?
It's the same with these letters. I don't care about the brandy. I don't care about the fire. I want to know why the letters are important, and "you" must know, or "you" wouldn't be so dead set on them. Tell us!
(And I'll have to think about what to do with the fire--it actually does turn out to be relevant later, though you'd have no way of knowing that based on what's here.)
[This message has been edited by RedSakana (edited February 01, 2006).]
I don't think it would work very well starting off with a string of letters. That would be too detached.
Why don't you try the opening in first person, if you're worried about the marketability of second person? And give some more clues about the drinker. If it's Santa mention his hat, his clothes, maybe his transporation and elves pouring the drinks. Then I would know for sure who it was and then you could go on with him opening the letters.