Hatrack River Writers Workshop: final rewrite(hopefully) of BloodVows horror fantansy first thirteen

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Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

I would like to try and make this one work, so if anyone wants to read what have so far I would appreicate it.

The blood sizzled in the candle flame and he watched the droplets of red wash the floor swirling into patterns and overlapping much like the events of this night. His name was Jordan Sinclair and today he was 20 years of age. Instead of presents and cake, he received the painful news that he was a bastard. And if that weren’t enough, he was bleeding from his wrist onto the flame of a white pillar candle at the request of his beautiful but strange Aunt Adari and wondering why he didn’t just do as he’d planned tonight. This act of blood letting wouldn’t change his mind. He was going to kill his mother and nothing Adari did would change that. Not if he could help it.
“You have pledged your honor and your soul.” She said

[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited January 31, 2006).]

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

I think you're trying to cram too much information on the first 13. It's hard to take everything in, and you raise a lot of questions (why is he a bastard? why would that want to make him kill his mother? what is his aunt doing? why is he bleeding?). I know you're trying to get the reader interested, but there are too many unanswered here to really get me.

I suggest you start more slowly, let us absorb that he is a bastard (for that matter, perhaps start either with the scene where he learns he is a bastard, or before the ritual, when he goes to see his aunt).

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

Gone in a different direction now.

Posted by shevivya (Member # 3185) on :

This opening generates more interest for me. I think a little clarification and some shorter sentences is all you need to grab the reader.

"The blood sizzled from his wrist..." Or something like that would be easier for the reader to imagine than all the items you have packed into the first sentence. Sometimes too much information or too many metaphors muddy the pictures you're trying to create in the reader's mind.

"He was bleeding tonight at the request of his strange aunt..." or something like that would be better than what you have. I would mention the wrist in the first sentence.

"Jordan Sinclair was 20 years old today. Instead of presents and cake for his birthday..." Or something like that would also be clearer and a better transition from the first sentence instead of "His name was..."

"wondering why didn't just go ahead and kill his mother. Nothing his aunt could do would stop him." Or something like that would be better. What you have now is too disjointed and fragmented.

I think the main problem with the opening is that you need to simply so the reader can get clear images. Some of the sentences are unclear or too long or both. Don't try and dazzle with too many descriptive words and phrases (that's my problem). In the end, you've got to trust your own instincts.

This is my humble opinion.