hey, this is a rewrite of the first 13 lines of the story i previously posted, i hope it is better than before. i really need people who are willing to read and critique the whole story, which is currently in it's second draft phase. however, and critique of these lines will help as well. ----------------------------------------------- Every second and third Friday of pretty much every month, I walk a mile along a bustling highway. As I pass one of the many fast food joints that line the road, I somewhat reluctantly resist the strong urge to spend what little cash I have left. Besides, even in resisting something, one can occupy their mind with something other than the damp, grey, abandoned sidewalk.
There is nothing other than the chance to race an unsuspecting SUV driver to the next intersection to occupy my time. This always gets me strange looks from the SUV’s passengers, which amuses me for a short time. Of course, since I am only human, I rarely ever win. However, I sometimes do, but to my sorrow, my unbeknownst opponent almost always turns off at that crossroad and speeds off like a bat-out-of-hell, and just like that, I am
13 lines of manuscript text (12-point courier font with 1-inch margins on 8.5x11-inch paper) please
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 01, 2006).]
Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
Is there another word besides occupy you might use? I'm lost. Lot's of description, but I can't see the picture you are trying to paint. Is there a reason it's two paragraphs? you didn't change thoughts. Do I understand correctly that MC is bored, broke, and lonely?
Posted by chemo_man (Member # 3150) on :
i split in 2 because in its original form, it was all one paragraph, but there was no transition, the second part kind of crept up on the reader
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
I put all the unnessesary words in itallics just to give you an idea of how overwordy it is. This can confuse the reader and makes them lose interest.
"Every second and third Friday of pretty much every month, I walk a mile along a ((the)) bustling highway. As I pass one of the many ((a)) fast food joints that line the road, I somewhat reluctantly resist the strong urge to spend what little cash I have left. Besides, even in resisting something, one can occupy their mind with something other than the damp, grey, abandoned sidewalk."
This just cleans it up and makes the reader see whats happening more then the words.
Hope this helped a bit...
Posted by chemo_man (Member # 3150) on :
i have to keep the pretty much, it ties in to the ending, other than that, thnx
Posted by duv2 (Member # 3026) on :
What about using “nearly” instead of “pretty much”…pretty much well pretty much did not work for me.
Posted by chemo_man (Member # 3150) on :
nearly works, thnx
Posted by rslevrant (Member # 3204) on :
The first few words lose me "pretty much every" and "second and third Friday of the month" could both probably be reduced to "often" or "regularly." Even if the reader needs to know that it is specifically these two Fridays, and you only occassionally miss one, that probably does not have to be the first thing the reader is told. Let that creep in.