Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The King 5,000 words (romance and horror)

This is topic The King 5,000 words (romance and horror) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :

Ok this is just a story im writing because im bored so it proabably wont be any good!

As i walked down the aisle to the handsome blonde waiting for me, i kept wondering if i was making a mistake. I mean, if I was even a little unsure, then should i really be doing it? I automatically kept walking with the bouqet in my hands but i couldn't shake the feeling. My family loved this man, so why didnt I? He was brilliant, and smart, and had a great sense of humor, and everyone who met him fell straight in love with, but not me. I just couldnt do it. I dropped my bouqet and started running to the doors. The gasps i heard behind me somehow felt like music to my ears. I was free.

Posted by angelsnlullabies (Member # 3207) on :

Hmm... maybe say "handsome blonde man" or something. When I just hear "blonde" referring to someone I usually think of a woman. Maybe it's just me, but anyway. I didn't get that this was the setting of a wedding until "My family loved this man..." You have "the aisle" in there so that could have been a clue, but it could have just been a theatre aisle or a grocery store aisle. Maybe a stretch, but I think you get my point.

If it were me I would maybe start with some thoughts running through her head. In this case your telling us rather than showing us. "I kept wondering..." Maybe start with something along the lines of...

"I shouldn't go through with this," I though to myself as I walked down the wedding aisle to the handsome man smiling at me from across the room.

Or something like that. Just a suggestion. I'm new at giving this kind of feedback, so it's just my opinion as a reader. It's got potential as far as runaway bride scenes go. You've put at least some thought into the history of your MC.

-ash

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

quote:
this is just a story im writing because im bored so it proabably wont be any good!

If that is the sole motivation you have for writing, your assessment of the quality of the story is probably right.

Just as an FYI, I don't critique any story that is written solely because of boredom. When you get serious about your writing and write because you have a story to tell, then we have something to talk about.

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

You have the beginning, middle and end all in one paragraph. I am quite sure that you can fill in details. Star off with who you are, where you are, what you are doing, why you are doing it, how you feel about it and why. And don't sell yourself short. It sounds like you are going through a period of low self-esteem so you posted this to get critised in such a way to fulfill your self-loathing at the moment. Come on now, I know you can do better than this.

Posted by KirbyAK (Member # 3220) on :

Whew...I'm glad she didn't do it!
Anyway - I'll admit, I love a good romance every once in a while. This is a good start - but unfortunately when writing in this genre it's difficutlt to find truly original ideas. I'm interested to see how you make this story unique in the chapters to come! I'd like to read the rest of it.

Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :

sure ill send you the rest of it! I just cant do it quite yet because i saved it on a friends file and i need her to email it to me so ya! Ill send it to you after!

Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :

Plumeh - I'll read.

Posted by Homeworld (Member # 3136) on :

I've never tried to confirm, but I recall a parent or grandparent telling me, decades ago, that common usage (at their time, at least), was to spell it "blonde" when in reference to a woman and "blond" when in reference to a man.

Looking past the grammatical issues, I don't find this opening unenjoyable. I'd read on a bit, but I don't think I could take this particular speaker's "voice" for very long.

Brilliant *and* smart? Is that redundant, or are you using brilliant more in the British sense?

That is all.

[This message has been edited by Homeworld (edited February 16, 2006).]