This is topic "The Door" Fantasy, 2106 words so far, readers & feedback welcome in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
I started a story the other night and it's grown into something that I didn't expect. I wasn't expecting it to surpass 1500 words, and now it's gone 600 words past that and still going. I'm not sure where I want to go with it, though a few ideas are bouncing around in my head. Any help you guys can give me would be much appreciated. Without further ado, here's the 13 lines:
"Time seemed to slow down as I worked. My hand drew the brush across the canvas, painting the area with the golden-brown color of old wood and good bourbon. A few weeks ago, I was painting in a park, a picture of two birds fighting over a scrap of bread in mid-air like two old World War I planes. The sky was clear and blue, a field of sapphire bowl covering the world. An old man sat down on the bench I was using, a smile cracking his wrinkled face as he watched. He was a strange old goat, his white beard falling down to his chest, his clothes worn and somewhat ragged, but still clean. His hand clutched an old, weathered cane made of heavy, rough-hewn wood. “Beautiful,” he said to me, that smile still brightening his face. “You have an incredible talent, my boy.” I
The story is about an artist who's hold on this reality is falling apart. One day he paints a door that leads into the fantasy world that he had become obsessed with painting after meeting this odd old man.
Like I said, any feedback you want to give me would be greatly
Note from Kathleen: 13 lines of manuscript text (12-point courier font with 1-inch margins on 8.5x11-inch paper) please
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 06, 2006).]
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
Get rid of the flashback. Start with meeting the old man. (That is, don't "get rid" of the flashback, just get rid of it's quality of flashback-ness.)
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
The flashback isn't quite right where it is now, but... Maybe if you started with your MC gazing at the painting that he did while he met the old man? Then flashback... Isn't it great when we're inspired Best Wishes John Mc...
Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :
I'd incorporate more of a hook into the story somewhere. While good, it isn't something I'd have continued with were I perusing books at a store.
I can understand that you might not want to reveal the door painting/fantasy world, but without that 'explanation' at the end, I had aboslutely no interest.
The first two opening sentences seem awkward followed by the flashback. I'd wait until the 'golden-brown brushstroke' is relevant to the story before adding it. Also, "That's when it all began" seems odd to me. I'd leave it out entirely (wish I could explain why more... 'It was a dark and stormy night' comes to mind though). Or, if it is really important to you, perhaps: "A few weeks ago is when it all began."
