Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "Snow" sci-fi, second attempt at the beginning...

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Posted by Constipatron (Member # 3183) on :

Okay, hopefully there's a bit more 'meat' to it. Let me know what you think.

A message was received at the Federal Preservation Bureau from the Uptai people, the last surviving indigenous tribe on the planet Pheed. A strange disease infected many of their people and the Federals could not, through any neglect on their part, now let them die because they WERE the LAST of their people. They have a duty to insure their survival. Humankind was, after all, the very REASON they were nearly extinct, having inadvertently caused a massive inter-tribal war that lasted centuries.
So they sent two of their top Feldmen to investigate the disease’s sudden appearance after so long after the initial wars. Diseases had appeared mysteriously right before the great wars started and dragged humankind into them. Why has one

Note from Kathleen: 13 lines of manuscript text (12-point courier font with 1-inch margins on 8.5x11-inch paper) please

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 10, 2006).]

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

It's dry and unrelated to specific characters. If you really want someone to grab hold of the story you need to introduce specific characters earlier than this. At the moment it's a bit like reading a history book.

Also, is there a reason for the capitals for certain words?

Posted by Whitney (Member # 2176) on :

Agreed with the last comment.

Sounds like the beginnings of a possibly interesting story, but there's not much of a hook. Could you maybe start it from the perspective of one of the Feldmen agents? You can include all the information you've given us, but instead of a infodump, we get an agent whose worried/bored/impatient/prejudice reviewing things he/she knows as they arrive, or while they are inspecting things on the planet. It will capture your reader much better if we are immediately introduced to a character.

[This message has been edited by Whitney (edited February 10, 2006).]

Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :

I'm sorry to have to report that I found my eyes glazing by about the second line and didn't read to the end. I agree that we need a character to identify with from the beginning. Starting with an info-dump is almost never a good idea.

Posted by Zoot (Member # 3176) on :

Some good ideas here methinks, but have to agree with all the comments so far.

Just out of curiosity have you read ol' Uncle Orson's lesson on beginnings? (See work shop above) If you haven't, check it out!! I found it very helpful. He shows the first three drafts of Speaker, (or one of his other books, can't remember now) and you can see how it morphed from a kind of rambling exposition to the actual published narrative.

Although admittedly my writing still leaves a lot to be desired OSC advice has definitely improved it. Now, I generally get whats in my head onto paper in one big splurg of information then use that as my guide to the plot, referring back to it as I develop my characters, action and dialogue.

Maybe this is an obvious strategy to most people. But it wasn't to me.

[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited February 10, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Although I'm all for an info dump at the beginning, it's only if it's needed, and only as much as needed. You could get to your character and action more quickly: start with your MC, as in "Joe Blow, Grand Poobah of the Federal Preservation Bureau..." and then give us any messages *he* receives and thoughts that *he* has. So we'll get character, attitude, *and* background.

Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :

Sounds like the introduction for an interesting show on the discovery channel. Cool information, but slightly passive. Don't feel it relates to me at all, so i have no interest in it.

Posted by Constipatron (Member # 3183) on :

Sorry Kathleen, when I typed it up in Word it was thirteen lines. Thanks for the update to the text box though, that makes it much easier.

Alright, thanks for all the comments. Initially, I'd planned the information to actually BE the reflections of one of the characters, though I couldn't really show that in the thirteen lines the way I was doing it. I've actually been thinking of ways to present it WITH character and get the same information in there. Problem with my writing is that I KNOW what needs to be covered mostly, but when it comes to what characters actually SAY, then I tend to digress a little bit. Probably need a better idea of what/who my characters really are first.
At any rate, your advice is good and I'll take it to heart when I sit down to conduct the major surgery. Unfortunately, I don't have a lap top yet and I do most of my writing at work, so it takes a bit longer to write what I have.
I printed out all of OSC's advice so I'll review the material and try to apply it.
Thanks again. I'll repost when I've worked some major kinks out of the beginning. It's good that it's in the very early stages so I could basically rewrite everything without it being too obnoxious of a problem.