okay, so I decided to try a different story, this one a more fantasy based story. Its kinda the whole epic quest type story. anyhow, here goes..... ------------------- "Three have risen," began the haunting voice of the Oracle, "and three have fallen." The Oracle peered deep into the water basin before him, where to his eyes only swirled the mists of time and all reality. From somewhere in those waters he conjured up images that portrayed what was, what is, and what will be. His shining dark eyes locked on the colorful display of the paradox of time, the Oracle continued. "One more shall rise." The Oracle was silent for several moments to come. Those around him were eager to hear more, but hesitant to break his concentration. At last the Patriarch spoke. "What shall happen next?" he asked, ----------------- Woot, there ya go. any and all feedback would be appreciated.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm not sure whose POV I'm in. It would seem to be the Oracle's; but I don't know what he's talking about.
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
I like the tone you've set, but as Will pointed out, we need a little better idea of what's going on and the POV gets a little confusing at the end.
Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
Isn't the POV the Patriarch?
To help clarify that maybe say something in the beginning about the Patriarch waiting in the shadows of the dimly lit stone room.
Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :
Pretty much in agreement with the others.
As for the patriarch's POV, that works up until "Those around him were eager to hear more, but hesitant to break his concentration. At last the Patriarch spoke" and "he asked." For the patriarch's POV, "All of us around him" and "I said" would be more fitting, no?
Posted by Dethfoot (Member # 3195) on :
thank you for the feedback so far. the POV for this part of the story is actually supposed to be unspecified. By the beginning of the next page, it switches to being the main character's POV, but for this part, I guess you could say that the POV is the reader... ya know, just sort of like you are watching these people in this room for a bit...
Posted by Jesse D (Member # 3241) on :
It's far too flowery. Most people know what an oracle does, so there's not really a need to describe in such detail what the Oracle is seeing. Perhaps it would be better to say how it appeared to the people around the Oracle. I think that might also help clear up the POV problem that people seem to be having.
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
I think what you need is a little more tension-building. Those listening to the Oracle want to know what he has to say, and the Oracle will tell them but... Best Wishes John Mc...
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I recommend against an unspecified POV. If POV is unspecified, I don't have anyone to relate to.