As ever of late the old Planic took the opportunity to unburden himself of his carriage, his Legacy. Shakily he opened the yellow phial and poured the contents thereof down his throat then made himself as comfortable as he could be on the bare ground with his old joints still protesting at the exertions he had undertaken that day. While he waited for the benefits of the medicine to take effect he resumed his watch on the Illiu cave that he’d been searching for this past turn. He knew that by the time the medicine had took effect, and he had no choice but to, it would be night and he would have to approach the cave and its occupants then. Waiting for tomorrow held no attraction given the state of his old limbs; he definitely preferred the shelter and warmth of the Illiu’s cave
I am interested in the set-up but found the language too fiddly.
I was a little unsure what was happening at the beginning.
Is Planic a name or a title of some kind?
The first line doesn't seem to make sense as is, perhaps with a little more information on what you mean by 'carriage, and 'Legacy'.
Does he actually get out of an inherited carriage or is it some kind of back-pack he is carrying?
I think I understand why you are shooting for evocative language, trying to imbue the work with an 'otherworldly' feel, but I think the language could be simplified so as not to risk clarity.
This is a hamfisted rework, I hope that doesn't bother you, but it demonstrates what i mean about being clear:
Old Planic unshouldered his pack -- his Legacy. He withdrew a yellow phial and poured its contents down his throat then sat on the bare ground to await it's effect.
quote:
Yes, I am trying to keep the style 'otherworldy' and the English can seem stilted...but I like it. Someone will have to twist my arm hard to persuade me to change it
It's perfectly OK to use such "stilted" language to change the feel of your story (frankly, you've done a better job than most writers I've seen), but I feel like I'm falling off the stilts at a couple points in the narrative. If your style, regardless of what it is, gets in the way of your readers' comprehension and understanding, you've got a problem. Style is something that should be seen, but not *noticed*.
I'm not saying just drop the style. It lends a rich, ornate quality. You've just got to work extra hard at ensuring your readers can clearly understand what's going on. It's a balancing act.
Introducing too many odd ideas in the first paragraph without explaining them is risky, and tends to work better in SF (particularly cyberpunk) than in fantasy. Certainly, not knowing what a Planic is, or an Illiu, doesn't help, and the idea of someone carrying a carraige really doesn't work for me, so you may want to think about choosing another word for that.
As it stands, I don't think I'd read on - the combination of the syntax and the lack of explanation of Planic, Illiu, Legacy etc just feels a bit too like wading through mud.
I wasn't compelled because I had no idea what any of that stuff meant. Rather than just throw out words that readers won't know, introduce them. Also, how is a 'holdall' a legacy? Why is it captialized? Clear up that stuff by intertwining it into the story, and I think it'd be very good.
quote:
Someone will have to twist my arm hard to persuade me to change it.
Good. No one should feel as though they have to take every whiff of advice that floats their way unless they see its value AND it fits.
As to your question, I WOULD read on, but with trepidation. The story may very well be great but I would be worried about the telling. Right now the language seems more like an affectation than a style. As a reader I would worry that it may mask the writer's lack of confidence in the story itself. In my opinion, that is not a good way to start a relationship with a reader.
HOWEVER, I do want to compliment you on your names, and the hook. Planic (in my mind it is pronounced Planich) and Illiu (Eeliyu) sound great and in a strangely consistent way, almost Slavic.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited February 16, 2006).]