This is a 3500-word fantasy story (it's got a modern setting with fantastic elements, or rather one fantastic element, so I guess that makes it a fantasy). I'm looking for readers for the whole story, but comments on the opening 13 are greatly appreciated, too.
Thanks!
Strawberry Soup
Cassandra stubbed out her cigarette and slid the key to the china cabinet across the table. “We’ll be serving strawberry soup tonight,” she said, her eyes avoiding Andie’s. “Get down the crystal set, will you?”
Andie reluctantly moved to the cabinet and pulled out the crystal set: bowls, plates and wineglasses for eight. They used the plates and glasses frequently for private banquets, but the bowls only came out on strawberry soup nights. Round-bellied and substantial, the bowls looked like miniature punch bowls, with flowers cut into the glass all around the top edge. One of the bowls had a chip in it, but Cassandra would never throw it away. That was the bowl that showed people visions.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Why did her eyes avoid Andie's? Is this a major event with guests, or is it just for them? Why would anybody want strawberry soup?
Could be interesting.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Until the very last sentence of this opening, I was reading about two people getting ready for a dinner party. I've done this before and it's not at all exciting. The last sentence might keep me reading a little further, looking for the bigger hook, but right now you've just got a prickly little fish hook in me, the kind easily yanked free.
I do see from this that you are a competent writer. You have an eye fr description but I felt as if the description was not relevent. In the end it turned out that the bowls were important, but I didn't know that when I was reading about them.
I suggest getting to the fantastic element right away...first paragraph or even first sentence if you can find a way to work it in. I think this may also smooth out the other weakness I saw: characters not doing anything interesting. Instead of getting ready for a dinner party, maybe they're getting ready for a eance? (or whatever).
I do want to get back into critiquing soon but right now I'm just doing first 13. In the next few weeks I hope to spot some more of your work.
Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :
I like it so far. I agree about avoiding Andie's eyes. I can assume why, but that detracts from the story.
The concept of a 'strawberry soup night' and the visions is compelling though, so I'm interested in offering a critique the whole story (pjp@gentoo.org).
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
I can't read at the moment (I've got another critique lined up) but I like the start. The last sentence was intriguing.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
POV
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
I agree with Christine's point about presenting the fantastic element sooner in the 1st 13.
I'll read.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
Thanks for all the comments so far (and thanks for offering to read, Silver and pjp!). This is the second draft of this story, and in the first draft I didn't get around to the speculative element until the second page. When I revised it, I was so proud of myself for moving the speculative element into the first thirteen lines I didn't pay enough attention to the rest of the opening. Oops! I'll move the description to later in the story and work on the POV.
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
Hmmm. I like the stubbing of the cigarette and the sliding of the key across the table. No need to explain why she avoids andie's eyes in the first thirteen. The fact that people are wondering why she avoids eye contact is good. You've given us a hint that there's tension - teasing it out a bit and that's good. Don't give it up all at once. Give too much and it's too easy - the reader gets bored. Keep too much and it's too hard - the reader gets bored. Keep that balancing act going. Draw us in. Nice go.
Willing to look at more if you wish.
Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :
Hate to be the spoiler, but I thought it was pretty close to perfect. It would make me turn the page. I'll be happy read more of it.
Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
I agree about POV.
Maybe Cassandra watched Andie
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
Thanks for the offers to read! Story's on its way.
Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :
There's no POV problem as far as I can see. I think everyone is assuming it's Cassandra's POV (great name choice by the way ) but I think the POV character is Andie. (By the way, this is a nit, but if Andie is a boy's name, you might want to change the spelling to 'Andy' or you may throw some people off.)
I like the introduction. At first, I was worried that you were describing the dinnerwear for the heck of it, and began to lose interest, but you hooked me. Both with the vision bowl and the strawberry soup concept. I'm also wondering why she's avoiding Andie's eyes. Obviously Andie doesn't like something to do with serving strawberry soup. If this isn't the case, you might want to take that line out or clarify.
EDIT: Ooo--another hook: the fact that the vision bowl has a chip in it. Why? Did someone see something they didn't expect and drop it?
[This message has been edited by apeiron (edited February 24, 2006).]
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
I liked her avoiding Andie's eyes. It made me wonder why. What bothered me was the second use of "crystal set". I won't have a problem with when the fantastic element is introduced once you tighten up by cutting that repetition. I don't have any free time right now, but when you're finished with your next version let me know. I love your discription of the crystal--then again I'm a fan of glassware.
Posted by zipperhead409 (Member # 3268) on :
The first few lines didn't grip me right away but I don't think deleting them would be nessacary.
I would keep reading it if it were a novel.
I volunteer too.
Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :
I'm glad to see quite a few volunteers to critique it. If you're interested, I'd be curious to see the revised version whenever that may be.
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
Finished reading the whole thing last night. Processing and writing notes today. Should have a critique back to you by email by tomorrow.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
