I’m looking for honest critique. Sentence structure, names, hook, flow…
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Sec Alpha was picking lettuce when he received the secure link request ping.
“Droid tagged Com Gamma relays communications from Droid tagged Blue: ‘Jordon Petroleum has signed ownership of Rubidium Corporation to the twelve androids assigned to the Particle Research Laboratory.’ Droid tagged Com Gamma requests Droid tagged Sec Alpha establish direct secure link with appropriate.”
_At last, a publication in my name._After initiating android location sub-routines, Sec Alpha further indulged himself with imaging the intrigue his authorship would create among invertebrate biologist - “Is it true? Is the anonymous Rubidium Corp Android – the one who authored all of those slug biology and behavior papers – really head of security for that ultra-secure facility in the Betularus Meteor Belt?”
The text was dense and hard for me to follow. It would work better with initial establishment of what Sec Alpha is, AND some of his thoughts; and less reference to things we don't know about yet and don't have to (Jordon Petroleum, etc.)
If this is humor, a very human android will work for me. If it isn't, I immediately question why Sec Alpha would be ambitious, secretive, etc. -- human emotions, and the designers could build them into a machine, but I'd want to know why they'd do that.
I'd be happy to read for you once it's finished; you can just email it to me when you're done.
It is pretty clear that the fact that they now are “self owned” (hence the ref to Jordan Petroleum) is not made clear enough, so I have tried to make that more clear – I hope the reworked dialogue will help.
It’s also clear that I did not manage to convey the fact that Sec Alpha had already published articles, but had done so anonymously –referred to as a “rubidium Corporation Android”. Now that he “self-owned” he is looking forward to taking credit for future articles.
I’m glad people thought it was funny, but to be honest, I am not writing tounge a cheek, so its not intending it to be “humorous” -- though I am hoping there are parts that will make some laugh (I just wasn’t expecting it so early).
I understand the point about “why emotions?” and explain why latter (though probably not nearly as well as it aught) in the text.
The reference to meteor rather then asteroid belt is so obvious I’m embarrassed. Thanks. I guess that’s why I'm here.
Getting this feedback has been very helpful. I’m looking forward to seeing what it does with the story. In the mean time a revised 13 lines…
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Android Sec Alpha was picking lettuce when he received the secure link request ping from the head of communications, Com Gamma.
“Blue just informed me Jordan Petroleum has signed ownership of Rubidium Corporation to the twelve of us running this place. Can you let the others know?”
_At last, a publication in my own name._ Sec Alpha thought, as he initiated android location sub-routines. He indulged himself with imaging the intrigue his authorship would create among invertebrate biologist - “Is it true? Is the anonymous Rubidium Corp Android – the one who authored all of those slug biology and behavior papers – really head of security for that ultra-secure particle research facility in the Betularus asteroid belt?”
"Droid" may or may not also be redundant. I can't think of any examples in existing, modern technology (take computer networks) where one computer recognizes another on a network by preceding its designation with "computer". Instead, it's MAC addresses (00:0d:4a:7c:g4) or IP addresses (192.168.100.54) -- both of which can apply to any number of devices (computers, wireless cards, printers, etc.).
While I can see that it does help establish a distinct, original POV (definitely a worthy cause in itself), does this nomenclature add value to the narrative? For me as a reader, it does not. While I'm somewhat curious to see where this is going, I might not turn the page simply because it takes too much effort for me to read it.
LOVE the title. That alone would make me pick up the book off the shelf and read at least the marketing copy on the sleeve.
Send it over. I'll give it a read. I think it's premise with potential.
quote:
I can't think of any examples in existing, modern technology (take computer networks) where one computer recognizes another on a network by preceding its designation with "computer". Instead, it's MAC addresses (00:0d:4a:7c:g4) or IP addresses (192.168.100.54)
Actually, it is possible using NetBIOS running over NetBEUI, but only for small networks where no routing is necessary (NetBEUI is not a routable protocol). Nowadays NetBIOS is typically run over TCP/IP, so the NetBIOS names get translated to IPs.